A Day in the Life An Independent, Much too Happy Person...

So I often find myself being this happy perky mom-figure. You know on my mission I gave an elder some cold medicine and he looked at me and said "You're just like my mom" and it's been that way for years... I am everyone's mom... I don't know if it's because I want to be mother so badly or if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm the oldest child in my family, or maybe it's the fact that I've been babysitting for literally half of my life... either way I mother everyone! I am also too perky all the time... everything is sunshine and daisies, at this rate I could turn any stupid, fat rat yellow!

I've decided today that I need to be more like Hope... click here to find out why Hope is My idol...

Lesson #6: Bring a little more hopelessness and and dependency into your life!

Hopelessness (Ironically Hope has this down!)... My bright and sunny outlook basically emasculates the men in my life. Men need to feel like they can take care of things. Males are hunters and gatherers, they bring home the bacon, they take care of our farer and more delicate sex, this is what they do, so when we remove the need to be take car of by seeing everything as happy-go-lucky we are taking away their very purpose in life. I should make a point of allowing the men in my life to take care of me, give them things to fix and make better! Darn my joy and high self esteem!!

Dependency... this one is tricky, because society tells us that it's important for women to go out on their own, get a career, make your own money, take care of yourself. Well... they are WRONG! Men like, as I've said before, to be the ones to take care of us, so when we make our own money and stuff like that (education, live alone, etc) we are taking that away... My dad claims he wants me to get married but the fact that he no longer pays for my lifestyle says he doesn't really... If my dad really wanted me to get married he'd get me a credit card and allow me to buy what ever I want, whenever I want so I don't have to work, or do anything for myself, really.

So it appears that II need to stop doing everything Mary Poppins tells me to and work on my cheery disposition... And I should really talk to my dad about how if he really wants me to get married then he needs to consider allowing me to do what generations of women have rightfully done and go from his house to a mans house seamlessly. Jane Austin's characters always got married and they lived with parents or guardians until the moment they were married, it's the only way!! All of these women lived at home or with family and someone else paid for everything.. and they all got married... yup, it's the only way!

A day in the life of someone who needs to take a texting class

So I googled "People who text too much" and this is what I got:

If that doesn't scare you than NOTHING can or ever will!!!

Lesson #5: Be better at texting!

It seems to me that people who are really good at texting, flirting through texting, making jokes while texting, drawing out text-versations, those are the people who get boyfriends! So obviously I need to look for a class on that, I mean, there has to be a class for that, right?

I am terrible at text-fliriting! Normal flirting is hard enough but on top of that to have to do it when you can't see their face to know if they like what you're saying... I fail every time! I can't even be funny through text-message... I feel like my humor requires more than 100 characters to translate well (I'm not good at being funny over twitter either).Well, there goes my shot at being famous, if my twitter isn't good I'll never have much of a fan base. Dammage! (My new favorite faux-swear, go ahead... try it out... that felt good huh?)

So despite my personal feelings about how texting can ruin relationships I'm going to have to change my wicked, wicked ways... I mean, obviously they aren't working for me... being all sorts of virgin and such...

Thinking about my texting issues I believe there are a few other phone related activities I'll need to get better at... I'll need to be more attached to my phone, checking it every 3 minutes at least. I should make sure I have said phone on me at all times or I should start hyperventilating (this shows that I care deeply about things and boys will think "that girl will care about me and my text messages". I will need to be much more diligent about Snapchat, this is going to involve working on my duck face from different phone angles and distances from my face, my lips might get the needed work-out I lack from kissing!! Finally, I need to be Instagraming much more frequently and making sure that my Instagram followers know where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with at ALL times!

I hope I'm not missing anything, other wise I will NEVER get a boyfriend!

Those of you who have boyfriends/husbands/lovers/etc... please inform me of the international texting rules and ways to text-flirt so that I can someday be like you! I love you "my freaky darlings!" (if you can name that movie with out googling it you could win a prize! This is for real though, I like this idea... the first person to name that movie; and obviously I can't regulate the google thing so we're going on the honor system here, gets one of my custom notebooks as featured on my Instagram a few months ago!!) Comment with your answers!!

Well... after this blog I think I need to remind myself of lesson 1 and practice what  I preach... be careful what you google for, because that picture is going to give me some SERIOUS nightmares!

PS: I need to take a moment and thank the beautiful and talented Deidre, without whom this blog would not be possible... so you can blame her ;-) Check out her blog, it is what I want my blog to be when it grows up! Love the Skinny's <--CLICK IT! Go ahead... do it!

A day in the life of a girl ruined by Disney...

Darn you Disney... You ruined me! You've given me the most ridiculous expectations for relationships... thanks to you I will probably NEVER be kissed...

Lesson #4: Never allow your children to watch Disney movies (if you want them to have healthy relationships...)

It started with Simba... the "man" who loved his childhood sweetheart for lion-years after the death of his father... even after he ran away from home he never forgot the love of his life, Nala... it took one night to bring back all those adorable meant to be feelings back to the surface! Now I sit at home waiting for my Simba to knock on my door saying he suddenly remembered he couldn't live without me!

Then there's the Prince Charming's... you guys suck! You tried to make me believe in Love at First Sight... this one is hard to get over... and it also makes me think that love is less work than it should be... you jerks!

Prince Phillip... what can I say about you... you slayed a dragon, you're an older man (so that's hot!), You have the voice of an angel, you're kiss has the power to not only make you weak in the knees, but awaken the dead! Yup... I have no anger towards you, just marry me!

Beast... well you're name says it all, and in the immortal words of Sophie from Mama Mia "You're a doggon BEAST!" But seriously folks... The Beast made me believe I could change the bad boys... RUDE!

Aladin... not only did you captivate me in cartoon form buuut then you were on Full House and you made me love you as Steve, How dare you make me love you in two different forms! Split-persoanlity guys are uncool!!!

Ahhh Yes, Prince Eric... you are an animal lover, you row a boat like a beast, you have a frakking kingdom, you know how to sail giant boats... You're major flaw... you fell in love with that stupid whore queen waaaayyyy too quickly, have a little self-control you teenager!

So I think that covers it... Disney Princes, you suck and I can't trust you with my heart anymore, I didn't want to do it like this, over a blog on the internet, but I have to break up with you. It's what's best for me and my lips... and it's what's best for you too!

Much Love to you,
Sam