Bridal Show Hell...

Have you ever been in a situation where you are pretty sure the whole world is against you and your happiness? Well that was my Saturday...

So Saturday after hours of screaming and tears falling (not to mention what came out of the 5 and 9 year old'Bridal Show aka the physical manifestation of all my unrequited hopes and dreams...
s I was with) I piled children into a car and drove out to my own personal hell for lunch with their parents who were dancing at a

It was pretty bright out so I traded my Rx glasses for my fancy Christmas Gift Oakley's my boss got me and started the car... About 47 seconds into the drive the voice from the back seat says "Samy, who am I going to marry?" Well, 5-year-old, I thought, if I had the ability to tell people that I would't be here, now would I?! But what I said was "Prince Charming" her reply: "But who is that?!!!!!" "Everyone has their own Prince Charming, I don't know who your's is." after some screaming about how I just needed to stop withholding information and give up the name the subject was artfully changed by yours truly and we continued on towards the Mecca of my dreams. 

Once we got inside I realized I still had my sunglasses on and not my prescription lenses. It was windy out and I had no desire to treck the 6- rows back so I just decided to accept the annoying but not debilitating haze that was around me. 

The woman at the door stopped me and asked "are you the bride?!" with a cheery almost conspiratorial smile on her face. "oh, no, I'm just meeting someone here, I wish though!" she smirked and said "last year they had me here while i was going thorough a divorce... Be grateful you're single!" and on that happy thought we walked into the maze of sparkles and pink taffeta! 

I was immediately grateful for the less than perfect vision I had to deal with because I was pretty positive it kept me from seeing too much of the items I dream about... Diamonds, cakes, bridesmaid dresses, all the things that haunt my "I'm such a girl" pinterest board. We found the kid's parents after the 5-year-old "not a real princess so how can she have a real prince?!" stopped at every other booth with sparkles anywhere in sight. The lady who was manning the dance studio's booth came up to me and said with a twinkle in her eye "so... When's the big day?!" for the second, possibly third time that day I had to inform a complete stranger that no, I am not engaged, nor does it appear I ever will be... 

We left for lunch, only to return too soon and sit and watch a never ending parade of Flower Girl and Bridesmaid dresses while we waited to watch the dance routine they had worked on all week. Every dress that came out the little 5-year-old at my side would ooh and ahh and lament about those girls who got to wear the pretty dresses and why wasn't she wearing one of those dresses... And honestly, all I could think was, ya... I wonder that too. 

Eventually I got over it and realized that 65% of the dresses were hideous and the girl who had to keep readjusting made me feel a little better about myself... Mentally criticizing my surroundings usually does, you know, because i'm a horrible  person... 

Plus, I got a pretty legit GIANT diamond-ring key chain for free so all in all, it wasn't a bad afternoon... Not a bad afternoon at all!

I wish my hips lied!

So I was thinking, I've always been under the impression that I had nice wide birthing hips and that one day a man would realize this, sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after... But now I'm wondering. Could my hips be too wide?

Reason #35: too much of a good thing = a bad thing!

The point of good birthing hips is to make birth easier and more successful, right? Well maybe men look at my hips and see that birth would be much too easy Amy our child would end up thinking the world is easy and all thanks to my too-wide birthing hips our child would be set up for failure right out of the womb! 

That's it, isn't it?! The reason I haven't found a man is that I've made birth too easy and there for not worth it... I mean I might as well just scheduled all my c-sections now! 

Who do I think I am? 

Solutions:

1. Break my hips, need replacement, get replaced by smaller hips

2. Wrap them up She's The Man style

3. Give up...

I don't think I'm quite ready for option 3 yet so I'll start work on the first two for now! Wish me luck! I have some skiing accidents to plan!

An afterthought: I just went looking for pictures of hip casts and other than the pictures of children looking terribly uncomfortable all coasted up I found pictures of black people from tv... And then i started looking at pictures from She's The Man and I think instead of trying to hurt or hide myself I'm just gonna stare at Channing Tatum's abs... Peace! 

Fishing in New Waters!

As I meander through Walmart I'm struck with the realization that this is the pond I have to fish from (yes we are going to use the age-old analogy of dating=fishing)... Walmart is the hub of humanity... every kind of person shops at Walmart, especially in a town where it's the only place you can find everything you need... even men?

This is how I will now approach dating

So here's the conclusion I've come to...Reason #34 I'm too picky!

It's apparent to me now that there must have been PLEANTY of men willing to date me I just never considered them as dating material... I mean, look at the couples around you next time you're at Walmart... I'm prettier than MANY of those women, so why am I not dating their boyfriends? I'm a stingy bee-och! Those poor guys have probably tried hitting on me millions of time, ok... maybe tens of times... anyway, I've been hit on I just thought they were too unattractive to hit on anyone, they were just being nice. Wow, I'm the worst!

So here's my solution, I'm going to make a list of all the types of guys I now need to be paying attention to if I'm going to get kissed in the next 152 days...

1. Baggy-pants guys... Yes, their pants may not fit but that's just because they are trying to fit them to their hearts, not their waist!
2. Guys with messy hair... just because they can't afford a trip to the barber shop or buy a comb doesn't mean they don't have arms that can hold you when the night gets cold!
3. Men who have no life plan... I've always dreamed of being rich, yes, but that's pretty unrealistic, isn't it? I need to accept that every man in this world is not aspiring to be a White-Collar worker... some men were born with a plastic spoon in their mouths and they are pretty happy with the easy kitchen clean up that comes with picnic supplies...
4. X-Box Live Champions... Some men aspire to be on the Forbes List of Most Successful Men, Some men aspire to save lives as a surgeon, some men want to be writers, some men want to be fathers, and some men want to be ranked in the top 50 on the Ghost Protocol Leader Boards... everyone has dreams, don't act like they are all of value!
5. Guys who still live with their moms.... Really, who wouldn't still live with their mom, no one washes underwear like that woman!

Even Kanye still loves his mama!

I'm sure I missed a few, but the point is that I'm opening my eyes, my arms, and most importantly, my heart! There are plenty of men out there just waiting to find the right gal who won't judge, and loves them, baggy pants, bead head, and all! I can't wait to see what happens now!