- "Wow, you have really big hands for a girl"
- Really? Do I? Or... perhaps you just have elf sized hands, and you know what they say about guys with elf hands... You have to wear elf sized gloves and those are really hard to find, so THERE!
- "Dang, girl, you are tall!"
- It's genetic you douche, what's your excuse? I'm pretty sure douchieness isn't genetic! Also... Duh, I've only been standing here for like 10 minutes and you just NOW realize this... I mean, keen observational skills bro...
- "So what's wrong with you?"
- What's wrong with me? Hmm... good questions maybe it's that I haven't punched you in the face yet, I don't know why but that seems like something I should be doing...
- "So why didn't you just go to the gym?"
- ... you suck ...
- "I think it's disgusting when girls eat..."
- I think it's disgusting when you wake up in the morning... I mean come on! You think it's disgusting when I do something that keeps me ALIVE? Well in response to that, sir, I say you probably pee sitting down, so there!
- "You ate that whole box of mac and cheese by yourself?"
- No shame on this one, I am proud to say that I can OWN an entire box of Mac and Cheese all by myself!
- "You're just like my mom!"
- Is it my mom jeans or my hair cut that make you say this... oh no, wait, I know... it's my giant purse with EVERYTHING you could possibly need... no, it's cool, I get that one, #notmadaboutit
- "Shhhh! You're so loud!"
- Good point, I'll work on that, you know what it is, I let myself be too happy and let's be real what do I have to be happy about, I have shoes on AND I'm not knocked up yet... daymn my life sucks!
- "You're not as funny as you think you are..."
- Well you're penis isn't as big as you think it is! Ok... maybe that was harsh and slightly inappropriate, let me rephrase... you're a jerk and I may not be as funny as I think I am but I'm at least a little funny... you're not even kind of attractive, so there! (ok, he was sort of attractive...)
- "You just force yourself into every guy's friend zone"
- Really I force myself there, because I'm pretty sure I didn't hold a gun to your head or your friend-zone gate keeper, nope you opened the door and shoved me in there all on your own, ps. I never liked you anyway, I know you thought I did and you told all of our friends that I did and heck there was even a time where I thought I did... then I realized I'm prettier than you and more mature... you can tell I'm more mature by the difference in the amount of poop jokes we make, I mean really dude it's like 25-1... per night... You make 25 poop jokes compared to my 1 poop joke... who's a grown up now beech?!
- "You do not weigh that much?!"
- I have personally never heard this one but I heard about it last night and HAD to share... So this guy takes her drivers license like dumb guys do and says that sentence... WHO DOES THAT? I get it dude, you're trying to say I look skinner than I am, but trust me when I say NOTHING related to weight is going to get you a win... even when you say "you look really skinny" it's like saying "usually you look fat" So to the boy who said this (because a MAN would never be so stupid) I can almost guarantee you couldn't bench press my arm, so suck it!
On that note, to Drew Brower from 5th grade who once said to me while I looked in her direction however not directly at her "Do you have a staring problem you freak?!" I say in response, 14 years later: "I only have a staring problem when I'm looking at ugly things!" So there!... PS... Drew and I may not have ever gotten along (a teacher actually once forced her to apologize to me in 9th grade) but I'm sure she was a lovely person, so no hard feelings... just unsaid come backs.
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