Wednesday, October 15, 2014

What it means to be a girl...

So I was just scrolling through my instagram feed and I came across Capt. Hook's account with a pick of him and Christophe and Anna having Canadian Thanksgiving together... now if you don't watch Once Upon a Time this all sounds like gibberish to you, but let me get to the point... Capt. Hook is freaking hot... no... he's HOTTTT! As is Christophe, whom I loved when he was Kappy before... So I clicked on Christophe's instagram name to stalk his feed, and then followed him... obviously. As I'm scrolling down I see pics of him with Hook, and I'm like OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH THEY ARE FRIENDS AND I LOVE IT!!!! and then I see pics of him with Anna and I'm like  "Ewww! I hate her!" And then I click on her name to do some hate stalking and as I scroll down the hatred gets deeper and deeper... and then I realize this is what it means to be a girl... or at least me. I don't know if I'm the only one who does this but I hate it when girls who aren't me hang out with hot guys, and I get this feeling in my stomach that feels a lot like when Obama got elected... I just really want to punch a wall... and maybe who ever is responsible for her being in that room full of hot guys... or oval office, I guess... if we're keeping up with the metaphor. So, yes is it against feminism for me to hate her for this... maybe, but is it rude of them to not have invited me to Canadian Thanksgiving?! ABSOLUTELY!  I've NEVER had a Canadian Thanksgiving, so, ya, they should have been more considerate! But then there would have been other issues involving there being another chick at the party, and like I said before I hate it when other girls hang out with guys... I just want to be the only girl that guys want to hang out with... IS THAT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK?!!!! GOSH!!!!! Ok, rant done... sorry that got so political, you guys, but you know me... I just HAVE to express my views!

I'm pretty sure she's barely legal... I hate her...

 Are they not just like... so dreamy....?!


Monday, October 13, 2014


So last night I made some pretty good chili from scratch… and I’m not one to talk about how my food tastes, I let others do that talking for me, if you want personal references, just let me know… So I decided to make a list of reasons someone should really get up on it and wife-me already!

1. My superior cooking skills… it’s not like I’m a gourmet chef… strictly paper plates here, but You give me half an hour and a full pantry and “BAM, You’ve got a stew!” or something equally delicious… I have multiple instances of proof but let me just directly quote an elder from my mission who said after eating one of my quesadilla’s “How are you not married yet?!” 

2. My innate motherly instincts… this may or may not seem like a plus… but let me tell you why it is a PLUS… A. my purse always has what you need… B. I love to take care of people… Need a back, head, or foot rub I’m your gal! C. I’m not super needy, I even enjoy my personal time a lot… but if you need to be a little needy, I’m ok with that too! Also, I’m a fix it myself kind of gal but I will NOT turn down a little manly help… in fact if it will make you feel more manly, you can do it all, I’ve got your back! 

3. I’m not likely to let myself go… I only recently discovered make up and hair products and the good they can do… I was the kind of girl in HS who was pretty undone so I have a few years before I get tired of making myself look smoking HOTTT ery-day! 

I figure three should be enough reasons for you… If you have further questions or want some personal references, shoot me an email! If you’re convinced and want to ask me out so you can get started on this whole wife-me thing, shoot me an email…


Monday, October 6, 2014

Hello, my name is Awkward.

In High School my sister was known frequently as "the awkward one" and while I've had my awkward moments I can't say it's ever been my title, however this weekend has for sure changed my view on that... I am officially "The Awkward One"

Let's start with Saturday... Most of the day was pretty normal, but let's just talk for a minute about how I get the whole guy who left his pants in the bathroom thing that has stumped any and all who have watched the Olan Rogers video "Ghost in the Stalls" (if you have not seen this video, drop what ever you are doing and click on that link... go head I'll wait.....) Have you watched it... has your idea of what funny is changed, do you no longer have any inclination to continue reading... that's ok I get it... Well if you're still reading I can only assume you're really board, so let's continue... That part where he's like "Again, freaking again?!" Ya, I get the again... So I went to General Conference (semi-annual Mormon conference, if you want to know more let me know, other wise I'll continue) So I was wearing a skirt and some uncomfortable shoes and so we stopped at Target and I bought a new outfit (Ya, that seems like the thing any normal person would do, right?!) So I went in the bathroom to change and I'm in there tying to change and thinking a few things... 1st. I'm so glad I was able to do this in the handicap stall... 2nd. What kind of bathroom germs are on this floor.... 3rd I totally get "again!" So ya, I'm thinking about how I can totally understand leaving behind your pants after you bought a new outfit... I can't say I did it, but I get it. Leave behind your past, leave behind your Hammer-style parachute pants that will identify you as the bank thief, and by so doing leave behind your troubles as you change into a new life in the Target  Bathroom... really, it's a story of redemption. Then later that night I'm sitting outside the Salt Lake Temple waiting for my sister to finish talking to her friends and I got bored so I lied down and stared up at the stars, only to have the Sister missionaries take pitty on the pathetic soul, star gazing and they came and sat with me until Emily was done... Like how pathetic must I have looked for them to think "wow, we should really talk to her make make sure she's not dead, or escaped from the mental ward..." They were really nice though...

Then Sunday comes a long, and here's awkward moment number one, no one needed to know about but I'll tell you anyway. So I don't know if I'm the only one who does this... I probably am... but often when I'm alone with animals I talk to them like they completely understand my random musings and then I answer myself in my head pretending to be them... basically I'm Christophe. I actually remember this one time I was babysitting and the baby was asleep and so I'm looking though the pantry for snacks singing to the cat about how her mom and dad have no food to eat, ya you read that right... I was singing to the cat, actually she was a kitten and she was hiding from me but that's not the point. So I'm singing to this cat and her mom walks in... I have no definitive proof that she heard me, she was tactful enough to pretend she didn't if she did, but, ya, after that I'm just lucky they let me come back... So now that we've established I might be a little crazy, lets get back to yesterday... So I was at my aunt and uncle's house alone with their dogs talking to them like they know what the heck I'm talking about and I realize how lucky I am that no one can actually witness this... like, it would be pretty bad if people saw what was happening right now, I'd for sure be locked up... fast forward to dinner that night in which I met my sister's friend Roger for the first time and this conversation occurs: Me: Big booty Hoe!!! Roger: (crickets...) Wow... So, no one ever makes me feel awkward... but, you may have just done it... I applaud you for that!! So while Roger was "applauding" me for my awkwardness I'm secretly chastising myself/ deciding that it's not my thing and pointing out every moment that's even slightly awkward... I mean, come on, I'm above that pathetic kind of humor...

Flash forward to today when I get to work and begin my day with yet ANOTHER computer problem and I'm being told AGAIN that I broke the computer... at this point it's a miracle I haven't been fired... although I can't say that I actually believe I did this one all on my own, I think something else is going on, but what ever. the point is that everyone here is asking themselves why on earth the computer illiterate girl was hired to work on the computer all day...

So there it is, yet another reason I have yet to find a date of any kind... I'm the most awkward human being and my awkward skills may have been laying dormant for the last few years and building up all their awkward life destroying powers, until they were let loose this weekend!