Friday, February 28, 2014

We're Just Friends

I have a friend... yes, that's right a F-R-I-E-N-D, he and I are members of opposite sex's, our friendship is such that our topics of conversation usually go way beyond the normal realm of Male-Female friendship. We talk about everything from Sex to Religion, from our families to sexual organs... it's weird, and awesome, and I'm laughing 95% of the time we're together. We have taken a road trip that accumulated to 18-hours of just us time and there was never a moment when we had an awkward "I don't know what to say now" moment. When we go out with friends we often answer questions for each other, or at the same time. When people quiz us about each other, it's almost scary how spot-on our answers are... and this friend, we've only been hanging out for a couple of months...

Our whirl-wind friendship has caught the eye of many of our friends, causing them to speculate about how "Friendly" our relationship really is... I can't even count anymore the number of times people have said "When are you guys getting married?!" or "Oh my gosh, just get married already" these things have been greatly discussed with the both of us, and with one or the other of us. We are constantly being asked why we just don't date already... We've both just accepted it as a fact of life, but every now and then I can see this twinge in his eye that says he's really-super done with all the marriage talk...

I could be offended by this, but as someone who's two years older than him (which is like a hundred years in Mormon years) I can't really blame him...

But seriously, what is it that says a man an a woman cannot be "just friends" here's my list of reasons we can be just friends!
  1. Maybe there's no mutual attraction... even if it exists on one side the other side could be a total dog, and I don't have to want to date someone just because I think they are super attractive... for instance I think Ian Sommerhaulder is a total fox, however his politics are atrocious and so I don't think I could even have a conversation with him... although if I'm really being honest, there wouldn't be much coversating going on... if you know what I mean...
  2. From what I hear being in a relationship is like friendship on fire... so what if you're afraid of fire? Huh? ever think about that?!
  3. Who's a better wing man for someone that someone of the same gender as the person you are trying to catch... think about it, men are men, therefor they know what men want! Women are women, so we know what women want! If you're besties** with someone of the opposite sex, you have an inside view of what the opposite sex likes!
  4.  There's a reason for yin and yang, and if you're unmarried, and not dating, why should you be denied that?! 
  5. Because it's fun! Being around people you share similar genitals with can be so boring! Girls get catty, boys are smelly... why not trade for a little while and not have to make it into something... it's casual, it's fun, it's SIMPLE, it's just hanging out! If Veronica and Wallace can do it, why can't I?
We're just friends people, and not the befits kind... trust me I've offered. ;-)

**A girl who's a guy's best-friend is his "BREAST-ie" a guy who's a girl's best-friend is her "bestie with Testies" 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Five reasons...

So I've been thinking... Being a girl can sometimes be tough, you specifically once a month... When we run out of money and then Diet Coke, gosh what were you thinking?! But the point is that every now and then I've thought to myself, "boys have it so easy!!" however every now and then I have a moment of clarity and i think "wow, I'm so glad I'm a girl" I had one of those moments a few nights ago sitting around a cramped table full of my friends at Applebee's (where many a philosophical discussion has taken place). I was asked and thusly delivered a list of five reasons I would NOT want to be a man... And in anticipation of future moments of weakness I plan to record it here today:

1. External sexual organs... I think the reason for this one can be explained by any teenaged boy who's had a moment during class, or got kicked, hit, slapped in the nutts... It's just not fun in my opinion

2. Have to take charge in dating... I can say the reason i'm not dating is because guys are stupid and never ask me out... They don't have that excuse...

3. Girls can be tom-boys but if boys are a little bit feminine BAM they are gay!

4. Porn, slutty girls, etc... It's EVERYWHERE! There's no escaping it, and thanks to point number 1, there's no way to hide how that makes you feel... Not fair!

5. Shaving... I mean don't get me wrong, as girls we have legs and armpits that need to be cleaned up at least every other day... But unless a guy wants to look like a mountain man he has to take a razor blade to his face and destroy his skin at least once a week... Usually every day, that would suck!!! Girls Anne nice smelling foam that makes it a little more pleasant, and then we have nice lotion to lather on afterwards... It all just seems nicer when you're a girl... Ya know?! 

So there it is, the five reasons I'm glad I live on Venus, not Mars! Then again... after seeing this picture... maybe I do want to be a man...

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Dear Chris Pine,

So I was YouTube stalking Ellen today and I found your interview with her from May of last year... and you stated that you're a single man... and then Ellen did it, she asked what you're looking for in a woman, you listed three things:
  1. Intelligence
  2. Beauty
  3. Sense of Humor
I'd like to address your list and explain why I am the perfect woman for you...
  1. Intelligence: well if you've read my blog, Chris Pine, then you know I'm pretty smart... I'm smart enough to be fairly self-actualized which is a state of being derived from Maslow's theory the hierarchy of needs Pyramid. I could keep going but my brain power may or may not blow your mind, and I plan on my body doing that too... Which brings me to my next point...
  2. Beauty: as the guy I met on OkCupid tells me; I'm very pretty... And as the other couple of guys I also met on OkCupid tell me: I'm cute and "I really like how tall you are, I'm tired of looking down in women..." to which I responded (in my brain) "then maybe you should move out of the 19th century you douche nozzle" the point is... That requirement is obviously covered by my well prepared birthing hips...
  3. Sense of Humor: well I don't feel like I have to address this one since you, Chris Pine, have most likely been a fan of my blog for quite sometime now but if I must I can give you some proof in the form of a life lesson I learned my junior year in high school... So that year I took a Forensics class in which we learned nothing more than how to make Meth, from a cop, true story... Ok so, I had a couple of friends with me in that class and we all sat in a group and among that group was a pretty cute boy, not as attractive as you, Chris Pine, obviously... Well one day, probably while he was on his period, he felt it necessary to make sure I knew that I'm not nearly as funny as I think I am... I then spent the rest of the day making my friends reassure me of how funny I am... Which apparently is pretty darn funny... So there is your proof! 
Anyway, my dear Chris Pine, I think it's obvious that I am the perfect woman for you... So go ahead and click on my email just over yonder --------->
and we can make some magic happen... PS. I haven't gone all Andie in how to loose a guy in 10 days or anything but I'm pretty sure we'd make beautiful children, so just think about it. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Bein' a lady...

Remember that one time I talked about how if only I was more of a lady I might actually be dating, but then I do things like write blogs about toilets, and I have huge man hands and all that good stuff? Well yesterday I solved one of my problems: sweat pants and other lounge like clothing...

As a general rule, after you come home all you want to do is put on your pajamas, pull up your hair, take off your make up... You know what I'm talking about... Well yesterday I discovered the lounging power of Maxi Skirts! 

I spent all day and (all of yesterday) in a maxi skirt... And it's like I'm floating on a weightless cloud... Made of memory foam... And there's a nice warm summer breeze... Ok the point is I'm super comfortable!

Here are the factors that make me believe I could actually live in a maxi skirt:

1. Stretchy: there is wiggle room in every direction, at no point on my body do I feel constricted or uncomfortable 

2. Temperature: it's warm when I need it to be (like right now) but if I'm feeling too warm, it's a skirt and if I learned anything on my mission it's that skirts are nice and facilitate a breeze down south... If you catch my drift... Haha (I kill me)

3. Feminine: unless you're in a drag-club or Scotland (which lets be real, might be a country sized drag club) skirts are inherently feminine... So it will be pretty hard to be mistaken for a man while wearing one! 

4. It's floor length: which means it covers my boat sized feet... 

There it is, I've effectively convinced myself to never wear anything but this maxi skirt...unless my mom buys me another one... Then I'll do it on rotation!

Friday, February 21, 2014

Childhood shattered into Frozen Fractals all around!

 Those of you who know me well know I'm very politically minded, I was raised on talk radio, relished the day I turned 18 because I knew it meant I could vote! I studied political science at BYU-I and have always said that no matter what I choose to go into I want to be a voice in my community, however this blog has never been about my personal politics, I don't delude myself into thinking you care about that the way I delude myself into thinking you care about my dating life (or lack there of) THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL STATEMENT... Having said that, let's move on...

Ok so lately I've heard a lot of talk about Frozen having a liberal-pro-gay agenda in its message... I LOVED Frozen and am a little bothered that people are denying their children the musical styling of Veronica Mars, the mom on Glee and an attractive cartoon man talking for a moose... Not to mention a snow man who's butt has a mind of it's own... 
But the point I want to make is that if you're going to deny your children the right to learn life lessons from usually inanimate objects teaching life lessons to royalty then let me help you... Here is a list of Disney movies and their hidden agendas courtesy of Disney and his liberal lovin', scotch sippin', cigarette smokin', devil worshiping cronies...
  1. Snow White: Kids, if you don't get along with your parents you should run away and find a small forest cottage full of short men, it's not like there's a reason they have been banished to the forest...   If your lonely, make woodland animals your friends, don't worry they don't have rabies if you sing to them!
  2. Sleeping Beauty: can't handle your child's possible issues? Send her away to live with celibate fairies! 
  3. Beauty and the Beast: if it's destiny bestiality is ok!   
  4. Toy Story: Disney answer to Chucky... ORRR... If you end up in the bad part of town you can find some psychos and work with them to take down the warlord!!
  5. Cinderella: Marry rich and you never have to work another day in your life. 
  6. Finding Nemo: for the adventure of a life time, touch butts...

Ok so now that I look this over it's clear to me that all Disney does is teach children to be idiots... That's it, I'm boycotting this fascist industry!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Unseemly Road-Trip

18 hours in a car with a member of the opposite sex with whom you're already predisposed to be inappropriate with... let's just say I'm pretty positive I know more about Chas than anyone in the world, and this may include his future wife (whomever she may be...) And the feeling is mutual, I believe...

I've decided that now that I'm a pro at this, I'm going to give you a list of topics for you to use on your next long trip with a member of the opposite sex... I clarify because some of these question really require yin and yang to make the magic really happen... and by magic I mean you'll be laughing your a$$ off...!

(ok, we're gonna start simply)
  1. background (all the stuff people usually leave out, because it's not pertinent at the time) Family, pets, childhood crushes, first love, first kiss (these two were not applicable to either me or my road-trip companion... so if that's your case then you can talk about how pathetic it is that you're PRACTICALLY 25 and still unkissed... or maybe that's just me) Best Friend growing up, Past transgressions, favorite color (purple for both of us BTW)...
  2. Favorites... I guess I already said Color, but there's also, food, tv show, movie, song, band, CD, Ninja Turtle, movie quotes, place, book, dessert, school subject
  3. Future, what do you want to be when you grow up... this sometimes leads to serious subjects like finance, etc... sometimes this leads to more improper things... there's no way to say this (knowing my parents read this blog) that isn't inappropriate... WE TALKED A LOT ABOUT SEX, OK?! all types of sex... all the sex parts... we talked all about sex... Two SUPER virgins talkin' about sex... basically it was a riot!
Now you get deeper (and if you're me you're thinking no wonder every subject went back to sex...)
  1. Spiritual stuff... I think you can figure this one out for yourself... talk about what you believe, talk about what you wonder, talk about everything the universe has to offer...
  2. Relationship stuff... talk about your familial relationships, your hopes and dreams for your love life, the way you are with your best friend, imaginary friends, how you were to your siblings growing up (if you're me you have some shame in that department)
  3. How many kids do you want? What are some characteristics you want in your marriage? Do you want a dog, cat, iguana? What kinds of things did your parents do that you liked? That you didn't like? 
Well I think you get the point... if you're anything like us the subjects all just kind of melt together and there's a lot of dirty jokes in between...  Happy Traveles!

PS... I just found a cross-country road-trip map in which EVERY STOP is marked with the name of the gym they plan on visiting... THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!! 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Punching yourself in the face...

Facebook stalking is like punching yourself in the face, how you ask? Here are my top-5 reasons:

  1. You look up old crushes to see how they are, usually they are hotter than ever and dating someone hotter than you
  2. Looking up girls who were mean to you usually leads to the discovery that not only are they married to someone super fine, they also have adorable children... and you've never even been kissed... oh wait, maybe that's just me...
  3. Looking up friends of friends, well they usually have a cooler life than you ever will, oh and they like bands you've never even dreamed of and this leads to jealousy and resentment issues only to be worked out with a highly paid professional... And that leads to debt, so good on ya!
  4. Looking at your current crush's pictures, they've always known some serious hotties and have some skandy pics with them... And then your left crying in a corner in the fetal possession. 
  5. Checking you're BFF's pics... well let's be real, that's gonna lead to some sort of jealousy and/or   the unearthing of secrets you don't really want to know...
So, if you're even considering a little bit of the new American pass-time, at least while Baseball's on the off season, here's your fair warning... be careful.
Have a great FB-Stalking story? Share it in the comments below!

Friday, February 14, 2014

V-day is for Liars, Hypocrites, Depressors and Rude people!

Ok so here's the deal... There is basically NOTHING that Heidi has ever said that I felt the desire to post on my blog until this moment...

Valentines day is coming up... V-day... basically it's the same thing as the WWII battle. Ok, that may be a bit of an over exaggeration I apologize to the brave men who fought that battle, but I seriously think Heidi had something going here... Valentines day is the worst holiday of the year... Is it cliché for a blog about not dating has an entry about how much Valentines day sucks?... oh it is, well that's ok. Valentines day is the worst and here's why:

  1. Chocolate: It's the ONE day a year where the world says, yes eat as much frakking chocolate as you want, it's totally fine, and guess what?! You probably won't have any residual fat from eating said mounds of chocolate... LIES
  2. Dating: so it's a holiday all about dating, but unless you're a couple that's been dating for like forever it's unacceptable to even acknowledge them on that one day of the year... Also, you for SURE can't go on a first date on Valentines day, that would be super cray-cray! HYPOCRITES 
  3. Cards:When you're a kid it's all fun, you make a box, and your teacher makes you give cards to EVERYONE so there's this guaranteed day where you're going to get 20-30 pieces of paper that say how awesome you are... But once you are like, older that 6th grade there are no guarantees and you're just hoping that the boy who sits next to you in Geography will give you a Spiderman V-day card that says something like "You've caught me in your web" or something  redic like that... and when you don't get that card, it's super sad! DEPRESSION 
  4. Teddy Bears: I am one of many human girls who loves herself some stuffed animals, I currently have a stuffed Monkey and a stuffed Meleficent (yes the villain from sleeping beauty, don't judge!) on my bed right now... But one day a year I am reminded that those stuffed animals came from my mom and an adorable 11-year-old who understands my love of Disney Villains... Not a man who wanted to prove his love for me through the size of stuffed animal he buys you... I mean seriously who can beat the one Taylor Lautner got Taylor Swift in Valentines Day? RUDE

Well anyway, I think I've gotten that out of my system... so until next year, happy V-day, and enjoy your stupid Chocolate covered Teddy Bear bigger than your head...


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

What putting your foot in your mouth looks like...

Remember how I said I was going to try really hard not to think every guy I meet could be my future husband... ya well that went out the door in about 10 minutes...

I'm putting on my bowling shoes, I went and got myself a bowling ball and BAM, they introduce me to the new guy, who is taller than me... which if you know me, or have read my Madam Maxine post, you know that's a rarity... He's attractive, rugged, and honestly despite the cow-boy look pretty close to my type... So immediately I thought "I'm so glad I ditched class tonight for this!"

I made an effort to help him feel welcome, and try to get to know him, I engaged in his interests, etc...   anyway, I kept looking up at him and thinking "HE'S SO TALL!!!!" and out of nowhere like an IDIOT I said it... "I'm really loving how tall you are" BAM... FOOT... IN... MOUTH!!!!! He just kind of giggled and was like "uh, huh..." and he ran off to bowl...

My friend looked down at me and just started cracking up... so I punched him in the arm... Seriously though, I made a complete a$$ out of myself... what's that about?!

I mean, I have officially proven that I am THE WORST flirter ever!

Anyway, it doesn't matter because two seconds later I over heard someone asking him how he was planning on proposing to his GF this weekend...

So there it is, the story of my life...

This is basically me... with him...

Monday, February 10, 2014

I think too much...

So here's the problem, here Ian getting ready for this stupid thing and I'm freaking out because my hair is too flat and I've been trying red lipstick lately and I'm not sure it really works for me and I'm pulling on my shirt and I'm fixing my eye makeup and for what?! Why am I acting like this?! Why do I care so freaking much about something so inconsequential?! It's because I go into every frakking day wondering if tonight is the night I meet my future husband... Isn't that ridiculous?!

I've never even held a boys hand (which I want to do so badly that I find myself trying to put myself in the position for it to happen even when I'm not with a guy I like (no seriously I've done that before... I've even found myself situating myself on the couch so that cuddling with someone I kind of can't stand was a possibility, and I was so hopeful it would! But seriously, I now look back on that dark almost moment with Kurt seriously that was his name and I'm ashamed with myself!!) who have I become?! I'm. Trying so desperately to be liked that no one could like this much crazy!!

There is maybe one person reading this who actually knows who Kurt is and to her, I'm sorry you had to even picture that!

I'm so young and every time I meet a guy I think could you be my future husband? WHO DOES AT?! What sane person thinks that? NONE, is the answer, if you were wondering, none sane person!!sic

So from now on I'm going to resolve to STOP thinking about marriage... I mean if we're being totally honest that will probably last for a day and a half, but I can try!! From now on every man I meet will be a man... Not a potential hubby... And maybe I'll stop wearing make up so I know the won't be what they are thinking of! 

There you have it! My Black History month resolution! Who needs yearly ones when you can have monthly ones, especially ones that fit into the shortest month in the year?

Well my lovelies, I'm gonna go pick up a boy for FHE and I'm gonna try really hard to not wonder if he'll be my future husband... That shouldn't be too hard, right?

Friday, February 7, 2014

I think Pat Benetar may have had a point...

 Heartache to Heartache
We stand
No Promises
No Demands
Love is a Battlefield 
We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

I am young! I'm almost 25, sure and I could go into how that's a quarter of a century and all that blah blah blah, but the point is, I HAVE TIME! Sure, it would be way more fun to have some NCMO's here and there, and hopefully that will start happening. Maybe when I'm in Sexy Rexy next weekend I'll sit in the Gardens until some unsuspecting man walks through and attack him with my luscious lips! But in the mean time, lets just focus on the fact that all things considered I am a young hot mama with time to spare!

Heartaches will come, and some already have, but it's not like they define me, or ended my world... And luckily I have some really good friends who will sit around a giant pot of Mac and Cheese with me while I complain about Douchie-Chad and what a Douche he was until it all feels a little better! I'm never standing alone in this world of D-bags and the like!

No Promises no Demands.... I've got NOTHING going on to pull me in any direction, I've got freedom! No one's asking me to take care of everything, I am free as a bird!

Love is a battlefield and one day I will be a general! But until then, I'm happy to be an adviser and pick up good battle strategies!
We are strong, besides the fact that I can totally untwist my own pickle jar (and not that is not a euphemism although now that I think about it it totally could be... ew!) Anyway, I don't need a man to open anything, or to help me get through life... I AM STRONG!

No one can tell me I'm wrong... I mean really, I think by now we all know I'm ALWAYS right... and if everyone realized that the world would be a much better place!

I'm done searching my heart, as my iPad screen tells me every time I turn it on "What you're searching for is searching for you" ... he's out there, somewhere searching for me, so I better make dang sure I'm ready for when he finds me!

In the meantime here is a list of some hot single ladies my age!
  1. Nina Dobrev
  2. Lucy Hale
  3. Kat Graham
  4. Taylor Swift
  5. Clare Bowen
  6. Lily Collins
  7. Darla from Little Rascals 
I am proud to be in the company of woman like them and I only wish I was as rich as them so I could go and do all the shiz that they do... also I kind of wish my first kiss could have been Alfalfa!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Dreaming of Super Bowls to Come

I have been planning the perfect Super Bowl party since I was a little girl... you know how some girls spend their whole lives planning their weddings? Ya, that was never me! I actually have mini-anxiety attacks at the thought of having to decide on colors, and pick a dress, planning receptions, etc... I mean don't get me wrong, I have a Pinterest board entitled "I'm such a Girl" in which I pin all the things I think look awesome, and I think, wow that's a great idea... so when the time  comes in the FAR-DISTANT future hopefully I'll be a little more prepared.

Despite this ridiculous chink in my Girliness one thing I have been planning since I was able to realize what it is, is the best Super Bowl party my future husband and his friends have EVER seen...

I've been collecting recipes, planning outfits, thinking about mock-tails... planning on the tv area being the man-zone and having the kitchen dining room be where me and all my husband's hot friends' hot wives will gab about how hot our husbands are and how adorable our children are (will be) There will be a kid-friendly zone with games, fun snacks, maybe even Yahoo...

However until the day I'm a married woman in pearls, I'll have to settle for dreaming... Today is Super Bowl sunday and although I don't have anyone to throw a party for, I can watch the Broncos and the Sea Hawks play, I can laugh and probably cry at the commercials that cost MILLIONS and marvel at the half time show and I'll dream of the day when my hot hubby and his hot (but not hotter) friends and their wives come to my classy-eclectically decorated home with at least one red wall, and party with us... I'll dream of the day when they will chow down on my perfectly constructed dips, drink my deliciously mixed (nonalcoholic) beverages, (although lets be real... it really would be more fun with them all drunk, wouldn't it?) and on that day they will marvel at my ability to emanate June Clever and Lorali Gilmore at the same time... it's a blessing, really...