New Year New reasons...

The countdown has started... In a little over 5-months I will be turning 25... The big quarter mark! And if I reach that age and have not kissed a boy I will officially give up! Maybe it's the fact that I still call them boys that is keeping me from kissing them... I don't know but we're on the final stretch here...this is where I start to accept the sad fact that I may never have to change the name of this blog...

Here's what I've been discovering while I've been gone (I have no excuse except extreme laziness and a sad Discovery that I no longer know why I'm not dating)

1. I need to grow up... At this point I can't be expecting someone my own age to be interested... I need to be prepared for those who are 30+... They may already have children, have need divorced or widowed and are looking for an experienced child care expert I mean wife replacement I mean me... i.e. Not boys...

2. I have no room to be picky any more... I mean seriously at this point I should be grateful for the attentions of Smithers or the Comic Book Guy... I mean seriously...

3. My nerd-like knowledge of teen fiction/television/ and movies probably will never attract a man to me... Perhaps a Dungeon Master, but probably not a man...

4. Alcohol would probably make my life a little easier...

5. There are good reasons I stay away from alcohol (I didn't try it but it's pretty clear to me that I never should!)

6. My fast food consumption may or may not but probably may be something rehab worthy... Do they have fast food rehab? Maybe in Wisconsin?

7. I should probably stop acting like an agoraphobic if I want to date...

Well... I think I just made my New Years Resolution list... I love killing two birds with one stone!

Ps. PETA I've never killed one or two birds!

18 is the new 5

So as it turns out, yet another reason I'm not dating may or may not have to do with the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by 18 year olds that act like 5-year olds... Granted, not ALL of them are included in this, some of them act like they are 14... but those that act like 5-year-olds are really ruining all chances of me EVER dating, let alone getting married.

So why, one might ask, would you blame your lack of an ability to get a date on 18-year olds... here are my reasons

1. I'm loosing patience... in EVERYTHING there for I will have no more patience left for boys who from what I hear, require a lot...
2. Potential lovers may or may not walk in on me screaming at said 18-year-olds... This goes back to the loosing patience thing, but heres the thing... I have an ability to scream that rivals all others... so if I get to that place, people within a 100-mile radius should really worry about their ear drums...
3. I'm loosing all desire to procreate if this is how children come out...
4. I'm becoming very jaded... which is never an attractive quality
5. with all the extra hate in my heart I'm loosing any desire to do my hair and make up... there's just not enough room for caring anymore

Ok, so that last one especially kind of proves #4, doesn't it?! Let me ask you guys a question, have you ever been in a room where the negativity was literally permeable... I have and I'm using all the energy I have to walk through it... It's kind of like those visible stink clouds in cartoons... like a green cloud that rolls out of their mouths like a skunks butt... is that too descriptive? 

Ok enough complaining let's try to come up with some solutions for this problem...

1. Murder... too harsh? maybe...
2. yelling... well, I don't want to hurt my voice
3. Time machine

So... we're kind of back to murder... good thing I watch a lot of forensic shows, I think I know enough from all the episodes of CSI i've seen that I can make someone disappear for good... 

#mrpointy

So for Halloween I'm Buffy The Vampire Slayer... Here are the top ten reasons I LOVE Buffy and all she stands for...

1. She can slay with a #2 Pencil
2. She always has a witty comeback for her latest slay
3. She stays up all night killing vampires and still manages to get up in the morning to do her hair... and she ALWAYS looks amazing!
4. In an attempt for normality she tried out for the Cheerleading squad... she was thwarted by an evil witch but I appreciate the sentiment 
5. She calls her stake Mr. Pointy
6. She died a couple of times but she never let it  change her... she's no follower that Buff...
7. Her nick name is Buff...
8. She kicks SERIOUS Butt for someone who's name is so close to Bunny...
9. She did all that she did with out a cell phone...
10. Spike 

If you haven't seen Buffy The Vampire Slayer the movie... I forgive you but insist you find a way to watch it... I'm pretty sure it's the love child of the original 90210 and The Vampire Diaries

If you haven't seen the TV show... well luckily for you Netflix has it... so get on it!

             

I had a dream about Judd Apatow...

So I woke up this morning from a marvelous alternate reality in which Judd Apatow, one of my favorite men in television, read my blog with his family... and the love it! The idea of that great and hilarious man and his equally hilarious family reading my random musings was just too good to awaken from... and yet, here I am... awake.

Why is it that my waking life can't be as amazing as my dream world... I make fun of the pathetic fans who tweet at their favorite celebrities begging them for birthday wishes and to just say hello, and yet, I'm just as bad... I make sure everyone I know, knows that one time Melissa Joan Hart asked the twitterverse what to do about a kid who is afraid to go to bed and I answered "I'm not a mom but I do babysit a lot, what always works for me is praying with the kids!" and she tweeted back AT ME "that's a great idea, I'll try it!" MELISSA JOAN HART..... SABRINA THE TEENAGED WITCH...THE CHICK FROM YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY.... Anyway... she's famous, and she tweeted at me, so BOO-YA! Oh and I even got super stoked when a semi-famous-person who was on the voice tweeted at me... ok, ok, I'm one of those pathetic people... 

I love celebrities, my dream in life is to know one, be best friends with him/her FOR EVER! 

Does that make me weird? Does that make me wrong? if that makes me wrong, I don't want to be right!

A day in the life of Not nerdy enough...

So, as it turns out... I am not enough of a nerd... my pinterest board full of Harry Potter pins might disagree but apparently all the men in Gillette (yes, all of them... because there are like 4) have decided otherwise.

Thursday night at Institute (Mormon religion class for college students that occurs once a week) we were talking about Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Narnia; I have seen at least one movie out of each of these 3 series, and read none of the books. (yes we were talking about those during religion class, what of it?!) Any who... My complete lack of nerd-knowledge was disgusting to the nerds around me...

Here's the thing, guys, you ask me to recite the mermaid song from HP and the GOF and it might take me a few minutes to get it right but eventually I'll figure it out... Serious' address, you ask? Done! I had it memorized before I knew my own address... My Screen saver on my phone is the Deathly Hallow's for crying out loud but you ask me something about Hobbits, Wookies, or Mr. Tumnus (ps,  and I'm like... Whaaaa???

Lesson #32: Know your audience

I suppose my immense HP knowledge would do me well in any other situation but I forgot that where I live is more populated by LOTR, SW, and Narnian nerds... I forgot about my audience... My real down fall is that I didn't learn my HP knowledge for the love of men, I did it for the love of HP... if you're going to be a girl-nerd you either do it for the men or for a deep rooted love of all nerdom... you cannot specialize if you're going to do this... KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!

So there it is, yet another reason I'm not dating... my down fall today is my lack of nerd prowess... it's something I'm working on...

A day in the life of playing pretend...

So I've been thinking, is it just me or does everyone sometimes pretend to be spies on top secret missions... crickets... nope, ok, just me then!

Periodically I'll be running an errand and then BAM! suddenly I'm on a top secret mission for the CIA and it's my job to do what ever it is I'm doing but in a totally nonchalant way to make sure that no one notices anything out of the ordinary... and by doing so, I almost always attract attention to myself... Perhaps my CIA dreams are what's keeping me from dating...

Lesson #31: Keep the play-ground games in 4th grade...

I suppose by the time I reached 10 years old and started to see boys as more than just icky-cootie-carriers I should have started to grow up... but really, where's the fun in that? So I've made it my policy to be a kid for ever! I always tell myself that some day there will be a boy (maybe at this point I should start saying man...) who will find my oddities charming... these oddities include but are not limited to:

1. Pretending to be a CIA agent in my daily life
2. laughing like a 4 year old and sometimes snorting when I laugh too hard
3. drinking copious amount of Diet Coke
4. wanting my mommy when I'm sick
5. praying someone else will do my laundry
6. having a Thor case cover 
7. enjoying the Magic School Bus, Little Bear, and Cartoons in general
8. falling asleep to Kenny Loggin's Return to Pooh Corner...
9. mis-managing my money
10. relying on others to wake me up in the morning.

So as you can see... I'm still a 8 year old in my brain (perhaps why I have yet to find a date...) rarely do 8-year-olds date, although now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure I remember boys and girls in my 4-grade class having significant others... man... even 8-year-olds get more action than me!

A day in the life of not ready...

So this morning I proved to myself and all my Facebook friends that I am not an adult/ therefor not ready to be dating...

So it is apparently impossible for me to wake up at a normal time on my own... my internal clock either doesn't exist or needs to be repaired and lets be real, there are no more clock repair shops anymore... not since the canceled Sabrina The Teenaged Witch... So there goes that idea... can I buy a new internal clock?

Lesson #30 (ahhh 30!!!): develop your internal clock early in life

I once had a teacher who had an impeccable internal clock... all he had to do was tell him self the night before, "tomorrow I'm going to wake up at 5am" and the next morning at 5am he's up! How does that
happen?!

So here's how my mornings go (if I have an alarm)...

• alarm goes off, it takes me a good 5-minutes to recognize that the annoying buzzing sound in my dreams is actually an alarm...
• I press snooze...
• alarm goes off, it takes me a good 5-minutes to recognize that the annoying buzzing sound in my dreams is actually an alarm...
• I press snooze...
• these two steps may or may not be repeated 3-4 more times...
• A lay in bed awake begging God to make it actually be 2am...
• Finally I crawl out of bed all the while grumbling about how much I hate mornings...

At this point I usually go about whatever I'm supposed to be doing with an angry heart until I eat... 

Without an alarm this is what happens:

• I usually sleep until 1pm or until someone wakes me up.... ya that sounds about right.... 

So friends if you happen to have a knowledge of any internal clocks going on sail then please let me know!

the pencil adds 500lbs...

So let me ask a question... at what point did it become ok for someone to HONESTLY tell someone how they look?! When was that ok?! No seriously, can someone pin point a day for me  because I'd really like to build a time machine, go back to that exact day and do everything in my power to make sure it NEVER happens...

So yesterday I spent all day with the kids from the choir I work with and one of them decided to start drawing characters of each of us... So he finishes mine and brings it over to me (mind you I'd been sleeping/catching up on TV, so not really in a place for this to occur) basically expecting me to be so proud of him and there it is... in pencil and paper, a drawing of, well at first glance I saw a less garishly dressed version of Tweedle-Dee or Tweedle-Dum from Alice in Wonderland, and then at second glance and with the words "who's that supposed to be?!" and then there it was... I realized it... that hideous character was supposed to be a rendition of me...

Let's go back to that date ok, the date when honesty became more important than keeping a woman from punching you in the face... I don't care how much you've been told we want you to be honest, how much you've heard we want to be equal with you, FORGET IT! It's all lies!! 1. we are NOT equal... WE HAVE BOOBS!!!!! 2. Let's be real for a second, when did men stop passing down from father to son the art of keeping women happy... it's an art!

To all those men out there who read my blog... and to be honest I can only think of 3... try to remember when your wife/gf asks you "does this make me look fat" she's not asking about measurements, she's asking "do you still think I'm beautiful" and when you decide without solicitation (or with solicitation even) to draw a woman... you best make her curves (God or McDonald's given) look beautiful and sexy, not like she's a beardless-version of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons...

A day in the life of Bro-Status...

What is it that moves a girl from potential girlfriend to bro-status... Some say that moment doesn't exist, that there will always be, in the guys mind, the potential for hook up, however I've been dateless for 6-years and kissless for 24 (ok, if we're counting actual dating years it's only been 8, but that's not the point!) It's been a loooooonnnnnggggg time... So my thinking is that there has to be some moment in a friendship that a man's thinking (unless you're basically a model) that you move from Potential GF to one of the bros... Here's what my research has turned up...

1. The moment you order steak and potatoes or a hotdog on your date you are officiall a bro. When asked what Potential GF food is he replied "Salad" ...
2. Being mean
3. Be unattractive, be my GF's sister or close relative, be under 18, or be in a relationship with my best friends.
4. Be flirty with lots of other guys. Thats a no no!!!
5. The annoying kind of flirty; be rude or belittling...
6. BE a bro, avoid responding, reacting or acting feminine.... But don't go so far as to lose your self respect... That could be a loose for everyone
7. Making everything an interrogation
8. Short in conversation and uninterested; send a message that she's wasting her time; don't respond to texts

So first off, thanks to the 7 out of 37 boys who answered my question... apparently no one cares about my dating life... which is LITERALLY non-existant! But whatever, I still love them...

Secondly... there it is... however as I look at this list my reactions are as follows:

1. I'd have to go on a date to order a salad so until that time I will continue to eat steak and hotdogs...
2. I'll show you mean!
3. Not unattractive (obviously) not your GF's sister or close relative... infect, my sister is a missionary and all my female cousins are married so BOO-YA! MOST DEFF not under 18... and I've never had a relationship so bam!
4. I mean... I don't know how to flirt so I don't think that's a problem...
5. again, I don't know how to flirt so... and I'm not rude but if my awesome presence is belittling I can't help that...
6. I don't know how to respond to that... I respond a little too desperately, let's be real! And while my dad claims I act like a trucker it's probably a feminine trucker.... I have more self respect than any self-respecting person should have!
7. why would you say that? do you think I ask too many questions? what kind of car do you drive? where were you on the night of the 27th? how's your french? have you ever had a deep fried oreo? who's your dentist? who many freckles do you have? do you own a blue jacket?
8. As my readers will tell you I am NEVER short in conversation. I am ALWAYS interested. my time is never taken up with men so any amount of time is not wasted! I am almost OCD about answering text messages!

So there you have it... men start lining up because I think it's not obvious that I am NOT your bro!!!!!

Predictable...

So I'm sitting outside my bio-lab and just, you know, watching people... not in a Fatal Attraction kind of way, but you know... the way you do...

Anyway, so I'm watching people and it's ridiculous how predictable people are... there are like 15 types of people and everyone can fall into a category... Certain types of people are always friends with the same types of people... They always react the same way to situations. etc....

Really you can break it down into the Mean Girls cafeteria scene...

You've got your...

• Freshman (Anxious people who are afraid of everything and everyone)
• ROTC guys  (Tough guys who aren't afraid of anything)
• Preps (People who think they are better than everyone else and who only wear polos)
• JV Jocks (People who are good at sports but know there are more important things in life...)
• Asian Nerds (I mean... that one kind of speaks for itself...)
•  Cool Asians (Dido)
• Varsity Jocks (Those who work at your local McDonalds and are only cool in High School and at Home Coming) 
• Unfriendly Black Hotties (We don't have to be racist here, there are unfriendly white hotties too...)
• Girls who eat their feelings (I mean... I suppose I would fall into this category if we want to revisit my confessed love of 2 men...) 
• Girls who don't eat anything at all (This will NEVER be me... and frankly I don't understand them... although I do share their appreciation for diet coke... but sharing ONE can with 5 people... nope!, no thank you I will take a 100ouncer to myself!)
• Desperate Wannabe's (my favorite sort of person who falls into this category are those people on twitter/facebook who are always comenting on their fav celeb's EVERYTHING with the following "I'll just die if .... doesn't notice me!" "Notice me and I won't kill myself!" "it's my birthday, notice me"
• Burnouts (There was this guy in my Bio-Lab yesterday wearing sunglasses and a "The Dude" T-shirt...)
• Sexually active band geeks (Still nerds... but at least they're getting some... I look at this and think something like "well if there's someone out there for them...")
• The greatest people you will ever meet
• And the worst (Beware of The Plastics)

I think these last two are pretty self explanatory!  So anyway... people are predictable and now that I've said it you'll start categorizing all your friends and before you know it there will be one of those big pictures floating around facebook where you tag all your friends into the category they fall into and it's super fun and they have Disney ones and The Fast and the Furious ones and junk like that...

I can't wait!

What category do you fall under? I've told you... now tell me in the comments! You know...so I can tag you in it on FB!

Social life.

So my social life consists of being a Taxi Driver... Seriously the only time I get to have any interaction with people in my age group is when I'm driving them to Walmart... or picking them up... etc... Seriously, there has got to be something in that....  The reason I'm not dating is because men only see me as a foreign man who drives a little yellow car around.

Lesson #29--> Try not to be come some sort of service worker...

Really a service worker of any type; taxi driver, hooker, door-mam (haha, get it?), etc... These people do not get dates... they are already married... or they are hookers...

So here's my question how do I change my image, this whole taxi driver thing probably won't stop unless my car officially goes out of commission, mostly because I'm too nice, oh and I really don't want to give up my social life! I have no time for any other sort of a social life... what's a girl to do?!

I know! Online dating... I'm choosing between the following sites:

• Farmer's Only.com
• Black People Meet.com
• Deaf and Dumb dating.com (I typed in "dumb dating sites" and it popped up!)
• Geek 2 Geek.com

Well now that I've got my list... I'm gonna start finding me a man!

My two boyfriends...

So I was talking to my friend the other day about how we handle things so super differently... She was talking about how she had been at a marathon (the choir I work with was preforming after the run) and she  was looking at the runner's times... So she's seeing how fast all these runners ran 8-miles... like 10-minute miles all the way through... yuck! She's telling me how she felt super bad so the next day she ran like 10 miles...

I do not handle feeling bad that way... If I were in her situation it would have been me going home plopping on my couch and having a snack with my two boyfriends, Ben and Jerry! Seriously guys, who needs a man when you have two... who love you, never judge you, always are willing to change for you and your personal tastes that day! Seriously... Ben and Jerry are the PERFECT men...

Let's start with their appearance... have you ever seen Ben and Jerry... they are MEN.... like in the mountains mixing up ice cream kind of men. They are just two guys who love ice cream and decided to get together and make the rest of the world a better place...

If you are down and have a desire to be cheered up by two bearded studs named Ben and Jerry, here's a list of some of my favorite flavors!

1. Americone Dream
2. Karmel Sutra
3. Half Baked
4. Tobias Funke's I Just Blue Myself
5. Schweddy Balls

Now if you understand the last one then we really are friends! Take a minute and enjoy some frozen calories, and have a better day!

Bump and Grind

So I got in a car accident last night... giving me a new idea of the real meaning of Bump and Grind...

After a highly competitive game of 4-year-old Soccer in which I repeatedly said (much too loudly) how much I disapproved of the six-year-old in pink pants who was much too good, being in that league. I also discovered that other than the one I live with, my favorite 4-year-old on that team is a little boy named Grizzly... they call him Griz... I hope his best friends name is Dot-Com...

So anyway the game ended and I was on my way with said 4-year-old i live with and a friend to get ice cream, looked down at my phone at a stop-and-go-stop light and BAM! I hit the big-fatty titanium backed truck in front of me! My car's front end is SERIOUSLY messed up, but luckily everyone is ok! This is really all that matters... until I get the bill to fix my car that is...
Poor Belva... she never had a chance next to that dumb truck! I'm just glad it still works. And seriously I feel so blessed that no one was hurt, especially since I had some very important cargo. I feel SUPER blessed...

So in light of all of this, and with the idea in my mind that worrying about it isn't going to change what happened, I've written it down and it's out of mind... not out of sight, since I just posted pictures, but whatever...


Happy Friday the 13th my people! Try not to break stuff!

Internet, you Bastage!!!

First off, Bastage is like my nice way of saying that word that means child born out of wedlock...

Second... I HATE the Internet... OK So I don't hate the good, nice Internet that keeps me connected to awesome people... I hate the Internet that tries to teach me shiz... the Internet that allows creepers to creep with more prowess than any generation in Earth's history has ever experienced!

Today the Internet has failed me TWICE nope, nope... it's THRICE!!!!! Thrice the interwebs have made me want to punch a hole in the computer screen... it's not your fault computer screen... it's the interwebs... and I blame Al Gore... DARN YOU AL GORE! Why did you have to invent the Internet... you seriously should have spent more time saving whales... because now we have too much internet and not nearly enough whales!

So you may be asking yourself... well me in your head... "Why do you hate the internet so much? and why do you always call in the interwebs... you know that's not a real word, right?!"

Well to answer your first and most rational question... Because today 3-seperate times I was trying to do homework and earn my degree and the interwebs kept shooting me in the face with it's lies! It kept telling me shiz like "you aren't registered for that" when I so clearly am... you jerk! And things like "I'm not going to let you click finish on this REDICULOUS orientation that your stupid college is FORCING you to do when you've been in college for basically 150 years...so suck it"... ya the interwebs told me to SUCK IT! Rude, right?!

As for you second and barely mentionable question... I call it the interwebs because I can, and it's a word if I say it's a word... and it's a word!

Well... I've spent too long on the interwebs today and I'm about ready to punch a hole in something... maybe the next person who comes up to me and askes me the time... IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET A WATCH YOU ... PERSON, YOU!

Well that's all for my ranting.

Save your had, punch a pillow, not a computer screen....

Let's be friends so we can make out...

So if you've read any of my Friday blogs, then you know that I love music... and movies... any way, One of the songs I believe I recommend to you on one of those friday posts is obviously a classic of our generation, "Let's be friends so we can make out" is the title. This musical masterpiece can be compared to Mozart and Beethoven for many reasons but the main reason is the way it speaks to the morals and tastes of a generation.

"Hey, what's your name? I think I like you, come a little closer now! Wait... what'd you say? Is that you're girlfriend? Think I'll be turnin' that around! Don't you wanna don't you wanna don't you wanna know what it would feel like?" In this first verse of the song the author is speaking to some boy she's literally JUST met... and she meets his girlfriend in the same encounter... and vows to get rid of the girlfriend... ya, that seems rational...

"Let's be friends so we can make out, you're so hot let me show you around, I see what I want and I wanna play, everyone know's I'm gettin' my way! It doesn't matter what you say, I'm knockin' you down, down, down, I'm knockin you down!" Here it is ladies and gentlemen, the statement that proves my friend Chris' hypothesis that men and women CANNOT be just friends... There is always some or the other party who would, if given the opportunity, "hit that". In every male-female relationship this is the case... it's lovely to say "He's just my friend" But I promise you sweetie, he's thinking "Ya, I'd totally hit that... but she friend zoned me a long time ago!" or vice-versa!

Go ahead... I'll give you a few seconds... think about it... every relationship you've had with a member of the opposite sex could have, if given the opportunity, ended with one steamy make-out sesh!
.........
........
........
........
Ok, have you thought about it... and you realized I'm right, did you not?!

Let us continue...

"Wait! Let me flip through the pages to something outrageous, potentially, maybe we could be more. But don't get you're hopes up, first let's just hook-up maybe you'll be what I'm looking for" And then it goes on the the chorus line again... So here is where it gets nice and confusing... because isn't this usually the way a guy feels? NO! Girls, admit it! You have always wanted to have that kind of power, the kind where you say, "ya, this might just be a one time thing" Potentially, maybe it could be more, but first let's just see if you're a good kisser... Nice one girls, way to take women's lib to a whole-nother level!

And finally my favorite line of the song "'CAUSE WE'RE YOUNG!!!!" Yup... there it is, the idea that just because you're young it's ok to be slutty and do whatever... trust me

guys, it's not the case... smarts come in all ages and colors!

SO there you have it... I've broken down my favorite song glo-zel style! You're welcome!

Now go find a new "friend" and have a fun day...  you know why? "CAUSE WE'RE YOUNG!!!!"

Fake it 'till you make it, Part deux

So another thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is confidence...

• Who has it?
• What is it?
• Where do people get it?
• When do you develop it?
• Why do they have more than I do?
• How can I get some?

These are all questions I've asked myself over my 24-kissless-years of life... and I feel like I've come up with a pretty good system of faking it and I will continue to fake it until I make it. Here's some help for those of you out there who could use a little booster. But before we get to the how, I'm going to address the questions I posed because I imagine since "I'm every woman" (Thank you Whitney Huston) I'm not the only one who's asked these questions...

1. Who has it?
• Well the simple answer to this question is NO ONE! The harder to understand answer is EVERYONE! Everyone has the potential for confidence... it's just sitting in your heart waiting to blossom into a beautiful confidence-flower!
2. What is it?
• Simple answer: The belief that you are awesome! Difficult answer: The knowledge of who you are, where you come from, and the potential you have...
3. Where do people get it?
• I don't really think there's a simple answer to this one... But like I said in answer #2, it's a knowledgeof who you are... etc...cheezie junk... I think it comes from a spiritual understanding, this can be religion, or meditation, or you can be like Jessica from yesterday's post and just know that you and everyone around you is awesome! But it's not just something you wake up with... you have to work at it! What did I do, you may be asking yourself...
1. Prayer
2. Scripture Study
3. Stared at my beautiful self in mirrors
4. Asked people to remind me how awesome/hilarious I am (For real... I had to do that a couple of times... I know it sounds bad, but whatever!)
5. Remind other's how awesome they are... First off this usually makes them feel like they have to tell you something similar! Second as my friend Lem reminded me today, thinking about others keeps your mind off yourself and that is good and makes you feel good!
6. sing... all the time!
4. When do you develop it?
• I don't think it ever just happens... I think it's a constant struggle, we are human so we have this weakness that some people call Satan, and others call self-doubt... it's all the same thing, it's something inside of us telling us we suck and others rock. It's how we compare ourselves to everyone else, it's all that shiz... but the only way to combat it is just like I said before, know who you are... know what you believe, know what you like, what you love, who you love, and don't be ashamed of any of it!
5. Why do they have more than I do?

• In all honesty, usually the people who seem to have it all, usually don't. they just know who to fake it 'till they make it!
6.  How can I get some... so now that I look back on what I've already written, I'm pretty sure I've already answered this... so just do it!

Well... I'm sure you're sitting at your computer thinking "Seriously dude... just stick to what you know... making me laugh at poop jokes!" So I promise next time I'll try, but I just am so grateful for all my beautiful/handsom/awesome readers and so I want you to know how awesome you are! If you have anything to add PLEASE leave it in the comments so I can grow my confidence!

Peace and Love!

Fake it 'till you make it...

So I've been thinking a lot lately about being happy... I've been surrounded by a lot of negative people lately and I can see them all dragging each other down and it really has been bugging me.

I was thinking about what I can do to try and fix that and I was reminded of a class I took 156 years ago. It was called Health and Personal Wellness... one of the things we had to do every day was make wellness goals in a few different areas...

1. Physical Health
2. Mental Health
3. Emotional Health
4. Spiritual Health

Another subject that should be acknowledged daily is gratitude... Here are some examples, because some days I find myself not wanting to acknowledge any form of gratitude or goal setting, daily, weekly or anything of the sort (I hate goal setting PERIOD!)

1.  Physical Health: Today I will only drink half the amount of Diet Coke that I usually drink
2. Mental Health: Today I will read one article in the newspaper/ in a magazine/ etc...
3. Emotional Health: Today I will meditate on my awesomeness for 20 minutes... this may include doing some form of Jessica's Daily Affirmations
4. Spiritual Health: Today I will pray every time I go to the bathroom (sadly I cannot take full credit for this awesome goal, I'd like to thank my BFFHS Michelle
5. Things I'm grateful for: 

1. Television
2. the god iPod
3. Garrett's Twitter Feed
4. the necklaces my sister left behind
5. Cheeseburgers especially other people's cheeseburgers! (Thanks Lem)

Ok... so now that you have your basic template I recommend you go out and find yourself a notebook you love (email me if you'd like to buy one of mine!) or decorate one of your own, trust me, it's fun! Everyday... you'll feel so much better and you'll get over all your whininess... I mean seriously I'm about to call the waahhhmbulance!

A letter to my daughter: that I hope goes viral!

So I'm writing this in the hopes that someday I will be famous, just like the letter all the news sources are talking about it... now as I've just said, the whole "don't be like Miley" thing has been covered, so in true debate form I'm going to be covering the other side...

Dear Daughter,

You aren't born yet, in fact, as this blog testifies, You are not even kind of possibly in my stomach... I haven't kissed a boy yet, and as that is the beginning to you being born, it's going to take a while, so suck it up and wait a while... I know, the VMA's have made you super excited to be alive... that's all that Miley is about, being excited she's alive!! And yes, that's how I want you to be, excited for life!

Daughter (who's name may or may not be flip-flop dinglehopper, depending whether or not I'm famous) As by now you know (since I have been reading this blog to you nightly as your bedtime story) I am very fond of lists, so I have decided to make you a list of ways that you can love life as much as Miley.

1. Start off with a rich dad, I'm working on this one for you... you're welcome!
2. Get a hit TV show on the Disney Channel. I'm thinking that by the time you exist this shouldn't be too hard as the Disney Channel's standards are slowly depleting so by the time you're alive I'm pretty sure they will have none at all! 
3. Find famous friends to get high with (see there really is no point in doing drugs unless you're famous and with famous people)
4. Cut off all your hair but in a less dramatic way than Britney Spears (see it's the same crazy thing but it looks different so you seem more same) the best way to do this is to avoid attacking things with Umbrellas 
5. Get engaged to an EXTREME hottie who for some reason seems to not notice how completely insane you are... good work there
6. stop wearing pants all together

So at this point you're pretty well on you're way to experiencing life the way it should be experienced... life is for the living, so live it up baby! 

All my love to my little Flip-Flop Dinglehopper, 

Love, Mommy

Japanese Hair Torture

So I'm pretty sure that if we have a WWIII I know how to win... it's called Japanese Hair Torture... I suppose it doesn't have to be Japanese, is it racist of me to call it that? Oh well... I'm anti-racist you guys, I don't care what nationality you are, if you're 4 and you brush my hair, it's torture!

Today I was straightening my hair and while I was doing it the 4 year old I live with was having a little too much fun practicing her war-time skills. I'm considering reporting her to the CIA so they know what weapons they have in their corner. Seriously though, I'm not exaggerating... ok... that's like saying I'm not blonde and awesome... I'm ALWAYS exaggerating. But she really did make a 18 year old boy cry the other day. In her defense he has probably never actually brushed his hair in his long 18-years of life...  The joy in her eyes is almost terrifying...

I think I've figured out her technique and I feel like I can start to teach a self-defence class based on it. I won't share all of her secrets here because, like I said, I'm hoping to start a class and if I put them in writing what's the point, but here are a few key things to remember:

1. Use rubber bands rather than pony-tails
2. when brushing use combs with tiny tiny teeth rather than a brush or a large-toothed-comb, this allows you to snare as many knots as is humanly possible at the same time.
3. Use your body weight to pull as you bring the comb down, normal arm strength is never enough to make a person cry. 

Well now you have a list of ways to torture, but if you really want to master the technique meet me in the Gillette Community Center parking lot (they wouldn't give me a legit room) at 11PM tonight, maybe bring some pepper spray, you never know what kind of weird-o's are out at night!

A day in the life of my work out face

So this morning at the gym (yes, that's right you read that sentence correctly) I'm lifting weights and it's getting pretty difficult and after a while somewhere in the back of my mind I realize I'm making some pretty unattractive faces.

Lesson #28: get a better work out face if you want to pick up guys at the gym...

There are a surprising amount of boys who like to get up early to pump the iron... So my plan is to allow them to watch me slowly but surely get hotter by the day and before you know it they'll be lining up to date me... however if I continue to look like one of these two that's never going to happen!

So here's my plan of attack:

 Phase 1: Slowly move from the "I'm taking the biggest dump of my life" face to an understated "early morning poo" face

Phase 2: Take the "early morning poo" face and softly transform it into a "blowing my nose" kind of face

Phase 3: Use the "blowing my nose" face and turn it into a   .                                                                   "stone cold vixen" face... that should be easy, right?!

Well, now I have the plan... it's time to put it into action, I suppose to achieve these goals I'm going to have to focus while I'm working out... that should be easy, right?! I expect to take a week for each phase so i should be done in three weeks!

Sa-weet!!!

I'll let you know how it goes!

16th Century Dreamin...

So as I was killing myself with a work out last monday I had some time to think…So I’m working with a Show Choir in Gillette Wyoming… I know, even now as I go back and read that sentence I'm like... say what? But I swear it’s real! So anyway, I’m killing myself, WAYYYYY behind the group towards the end of our work out and I start talking to myself… rather loudly I might say, so any people hiding in the trees, who I’m pretty sure exist, you know, Hill people and all that, anyway, these hill people were probably laughing their a$$es off at my crazy ramblings…

So I’m talking to God about how pathetic my efforts during this work out were and I’m like, “You know, sometimes I wish I lived in medieval times, because those people were praised for being fat… if you were fat, you were rich! You could just sit at home ALL DAY LONG having people fan you (you know because fat people get hot (trust me)) and eat whatever they wanted… exercise was for peasants who had to work for their food… eww! Why can’t it still be like that? I totally want to sit on my bed all day, watch my Veronica Mars DVD’s while some peasant who had to get up at 4AM to feed his kids fanned my fat butt… yup that would be the life!

But no… I had to be born in 1989, when we have Jane Fonda Bust Your Buns VHS’ to tell me how to live my life. I had to watch teenagers jog circles around me and try not to cry… it’s ok to laugh, I was crying because I’d only gotten 3-hours of sleep the night before, not because I’m pathetic…

So I want to make a formal request… can we please go back in time… can we be smart like Henry the Eighth, like those who killed thousands of innocent people during the crusades, why can’t my world be more like Prince John from Robin Hood… just be carried around by hippos and have a snake best friend… ya, that would be the life. I think I’ll write my Congressman. 

Superstitions...

So this morning my new favorite person, Bejonce, told me that if you sweep your feet then you'll never get married... So we think that maybe this is why I'm not dating... that or all the good ones are gay... Anyway so I was thinking... what other super superstitions should I have consulted in life that are now keeping me from dating/marriage... so I googled it...

• if you eat onions on saturday night you won't meet/see your lover on sunday... (Well, I eat onions every day so there goes that... hey do you think my breath has something to do with it?)
• if you have stumbled going up a flight of stairs, have hairy legs, have dreamed of taking a bath, or have noticed that the lines on your palm form an "m", recently then you will soon fall in love... (well crap, I never do any of those things... except maybe have hairy legs, what I don't like shaving!)
• Here's a creepy one for you: On All Hallows Eve, brush your hair three times in front of the mirror. If you glimpse a man standing behind you, wedding bells will ring before the year is through. (Uh... I don't know about you but if I glimpse a man standing behind me I'll die of a heart attack before the year is through!)
• When attending a wedding take a piece of the grooms cake and put it under your pillow to dream of mold i mean your future husband
• Here's a complicated one that involves farm work! You can learn the temperament of your future husband by plucking a piece of hay from a hayloft at midnight. A crooked piece foretells a surly man; a straight piece signifies a good-natured man. (I feel like if nothing else you might meet a cute ranch hand taking a midnight stroll who thinks your a burglar... so that might be fun!
• See a robin fly overhead on Valentines day and you will marry a sailor, see a sparrow and you will marry a poor man, see a goldfinch and you will marry a millionaire. ( I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to be near a goldfinch this Valentines day!!!)
• Tie a blue ribbon around your ankle and you will be kissed that day. (I am literally going to be tying a blue ribbon around my ankle EVERYDAY! 

I think you get the picture... So now that I have my to do list, it's time to start checking them off! 

I should probably sort-out my priorities...

So I've been thinking... as I was unpacking today, because I FINALLY made it to Gillette, WY!!!, I realized the things that I would have died with out were my movies, my computer, and my iPod... Pretty much everything else would have only half freaked me out if I'd left them behind... That probably isn't normal, right?

My movie collection is basically my prized possession... Everything about how I am is in the pages of that book... From the comedies, to the romance, the dramas, to the cartoons... everything that I feel like I'm about is in that book! I LOVE movies... if it was allowed I'd watch a movie every day. I could sit in my room all day, and never get hungry, and just watch movie after movie after movie... And don't even get me started on my V-Mars DVD's and my Gilmore Girls DVD's... they come everywhere with me... I will probably not use them but the thought of not having them with me is like trying to tell me I'm going on vacation but I can't take air with me... say whaaaa?!

My computer is my life line... everything, i mean EVERYTHING is on this thing... If I didn't have it, for whatever reason, I would be lost... I mean, I can do a lot of that stuff from my phone... but it's so much better when I do it from my computer!

My iPod... oh man, I sleep to it, I road-trip to it, I hold it and think about all the good times we've had... Nope I cannot live with out it... You know I had a sunday school teacher once who called it "The God iPod"... he wasn't too far off...

So there you go, I am a sick woman, I need to re-route my priorities or there is going to be some serious  issues in my future... hey, maybe that's why I'm not dating!