I'm sick...

Calm down! I realize you're probably freaking out about whether or not I'm going to live, but no, I'm not physically ill... I'm mentally ill... No I haven't been to therapy or anything this is a personal diagnosis (obviously sign number one that I'm ill)

Why do I say these things, you're asking? Because I'm currently wearing a ring on my wedding ring finger, like a nice, fancy looking ring... I got it for free, it's sterling silver and some yellow stone I've been obsessed with since I was in High School, and I CAN NOT stop looking at it! 

I am literally obsessed with looking at my finger and pretending I'm engaged, I have also painted my nails with this new nail polish I got the other night so that doesn't help any... I've lately been obsessed with the idea that I really want to have a really good manicure when I finally do get engaged to... (dear future husband, make sure to get one of my friends or my mom to take me to get my nails done before you pop the question, ok?!) Anyway, I think my nails should be red that day...

But ya, I can't stop looking at my hand, and I feel like that is just not normal. And even as I'm typing this out, realizing with every stroke of the keyboard that I may or may not need to be hospitalized, I still can't stop thinking how awesome my hand looks with fake engagement ring given to me by my fake fiancé... All illness' aside, my hand looks pretty awesome right now...  So here are six pictures so you can admire it with me!

The saddest list ever...

So I found this list of "life hacks" for people living on their own, and I'm pretty sure it's the saddest list... like, EVER

1. Open a jar with a rubber band... So basically what they're saying is. Dear Single Lady, there will never be a time when you're opening a jar that you'll have a man or even a man-friend over, or heck, probably not even like a buff lady friend when you're trying to open this difficult jar of pickles... You're life is basically gonna be one hard to open jar after another. And if we're being real, pickle breath isn't really ideal date breath... so it's probably for the best, anyway...

2. Store your leftover wine in a mason jar... this one is like a nice way of pretending you're not going to finish that whole bottle of wine on your own. Let's be real, I don't drink so this one doesn't apply to me, but if I learned anything from Cougartown it's that one bottle of wine is like child's play, let's not pretend we're gonna have any "leftovers"

3.Shake a bottle of open soda so it doesn't go flat... I repeat what I said about the wine... I owned a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke last Saturday night... easy!

4. Cleaning spray makes moving heavy objects easier... Really, like I'm going to be moving heavy objects, please, if I can't find friends to do it for me I will hire someone to take care of that business! I am a lady! A lady with dainty lady hands (or so I was told last night at FHE Bowling) so there dude who shook my MAN SIZED HANDS in college, you douche... but I digress... I am a lady, and ladies do NOT move their own heavy objects, they watch while men take care of that stuff... or like body building ladies, I'm not sexist...

5. Something about putting something in your fridge to keep food from going bad... well fine I guess you don't know me that well if you think there's any sort of fresh food in my fridge, gosh random list made by now one I know, I thought we had a connection!

6. Tooth paste to make aligning picture on the wall easier... Well if I'm that lonely for that long what pictures do I have to hang anyway?! Certainly not any wedding pictures, gee list, thanks for reminding me I'm no married! Gosh who do you think you are, my grandmother?!

7. Deter mice with peppermint oil... is this your way of telling me I stink?!

8. With a paper clip and string you can zip up your own dress... well with tuppins for paper and string you can have your own set of wings! Is that how you spell "tuppins"? And what is todays value of a tuppin, is that like a ha-penny (which I still don't believe is real) And while we're on the subject of fractions in monitory matters, what's the deal with gas costing $3.78 9/10... where am I going to get 9/10 of a penny?! that's not even a fake ha-penny... OH! Maybe a Tuppin is worth 9/10 of a penny! I GET IT NOW!!!! Thanks loneliness list!

9. Use scotch tape to keep a bracelet in place... I've had 25 years of putting my own bracelets on... by now you'd hope I've gotten it down! Having said that... not a bad idea, not a bad idea at all...

10. Unclog a drain with baking soda and vinegar... well any 4th grader knows that one!

11. Unclog a toilet with dish soap and hot water... that just seems messy to me... and when a toilet is involved we NEVER want the word messy to be used... No really, NEVER!!!

12. Put a duvet cover on in 24 seconds... really? 24 seconds?! I'm going to be honest, I couldn't even finish reading this one, I mean who DOESN'T know how to put a duvet cover one in 24 seconds... you put a blanket on your bed?! I mean, come on!

13. Bay leaves in corner keeps the cockroaches at "bay"... very punny list for lonely people, but lord help me if I ever see a legit live cockroach, first I will have a heart attack, and second I will stalk it until I can find someone to get rid of it, squash it yes, but only after you've taken it and your shoes outside... EWW! anything that can survive a nuclear attack does not deserve to live... just sayin'

14. One about a microwave that i've know since I was 9...

15. Use your dishwasher to wash things other than dishes... in this one there's a picture of an open dishwasher with a cat in it... so basically what they are saying is wash your cat in your dishwasher!



So there you have it, my commentary on the loneliest list I have EVER read... I hope it helps all my living alone friends.... and I honest to goodness hope I will one day use some of these "hacks"

TMI

So Youtubers do this tag thing... so I'm gonna try it, minus the video part!

1: What are you wearing? Non-yoga'd yoga pants and my Yellow Stone Do-It Center Shirt!... jealous, I know, right?!

2: Ever been in love? Nope... unless you count Macaroni and Cheese, in which case, yes! 

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? I feel like you'd have to have a relationship first...

4: How tall are you? 5'11"

5: How much do you weigh? Really? 

6: Any tattoos? Only on my heart.

7: Any piercings? My ears

8: OTP? Delena 

9: Favorite show? Past: Veronica Mars // Present: Vampire Diaries // Future: Old Girl (It's like the same people as New Girl only they are like super old, I'm pretty excited about it I think it's going to be hilarious, like Golden Girls on Speed... ya know?!)
 
10: Favorite bands? Hair bands... oh you meant music... follow me on Spotify...
 
11: Something you miss? Clear phones... I just feel like my iPhone is lying to me because I don't know what's going on inside of her... 
 
12: Favorite song? Baby Got Back... True story!
 
13: How old are you? 25... or as my friend Garrett told all of Gillette (ok the 7 people who came to our final choir show...) 60
 
14: Zodiac sign? Gemini, but let's be real it doesn't matter... because I'm totally a scorpio at heart, oh did you think I was going to say it doesn't matter because that stuff is bull hockey, well joke's on you, because my horoscope told me today I was going to play hockey with some bulls so bam!  

• I FELT LIKE YOU ALL NEEDED TO KNOW THAT WHEN I WAS WRITING THAT SENTENCE INSTEAD OF "JOKE" I TYPED "JOCK" SO IT WOULD HAVE SAID "JOCK'S ON YOU" SO... MAYBE THAT WAS MY HOROSCOPE TO YOU... YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOURSELF A JOCK... NICE

15: Quality you look for in a partner? Lab partner: smarter than me // Canasta partner: knows how to play Canasta // Tennis Partner: Someone who recognizes the fact that I was once a child tennis star and I had to give it up for my academics, so you know, respect...
 
16: Favorite Quote? "Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno. I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car." -Michael Scott... everyone has flaws! 
 
17: Favorite actor? Barak Obama 
 
18: Favorite color? Purple... or so I keep saying...
 
19: Loud music or soft? Depends on the kind of music... Marilyn Manson: LOUD // John Mayer: Soft // Usher: Loud // Michael Buble: Loud or soft... // Rap in General: loud // Miley Cyrus: Loud // 
 
20: Where do you go when you’re sad? My room, or Cold Stone...
 
21: How long does it take you to shower? As long as it takes me to smile...
 
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes - 1 hour... depending on my hair and if I want to shave it off or not...
 
23: Ever been in a physical fight? I pushed my brother into my closet door once... my mom told me I was going to go to jail.
 
24: Turn on? Makes me laugh and doesn't make fun of my laugh...
 
25: Turn off? smoking // saying the "f" word // being boring // not getting my humor // Brad Pitt
 
26: The reason I joined Youtube? to share this with the world...
 
27: Fears? Spiders // crippling loneliness // heights // Brad Pitt 
 
28: Last thing that made you cry? Sharknado 
 
29: Last time you said you loved someone? this morning
 
30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name? I think you mean blog name... gosh you ask weird questions...
 
31: Last book you read? The Source by J.D. Horn
 
32: The book you’re currently reading? To Kill a Mockingbird
 
33: Last show you watched? The Office
 
34: Last person you talked to? I'm currently talking to my coworker Jordan who is just super bad a$$
 
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Old Mission Companion
 
36: Favorite food? Diet Coke
 
37: Place you want to visit? New York // Paris // London // Italy // Chicago // San Francisco // Six Flags // Atlantis // 
 
38: Last place you were? Kum and Go (get you're mind out of the gutter, it's a gas station!) 
 
39: Do you have a crush? Every Romney Boy... especially Tugg... 
 
40: Last time you kissed someone? Please see post from last week... 
 
41: Last time you were insulted? I don't remember... so obviously it hurt a whole lot...
 
42: Favorite flavor of sweet? Ice cream...
 
43: What instruments do you play?? my mouth...
 
44: Favorite piece of jewelery? my pearl ring from my g-ma... 
 
45: Last sport you played? Frisbee?
 
46: Last song you sang? "Can't be Tamed" by Miley Cyrus
 
47: Favorite chat up line? I've never heard one...
 
48: Have you ever used it? No...
 
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? Wednesday night a few of us watched Sharknedo... BEST. DECISION. OF. MY. LIFE!
 
50: Who should answer these questions next? Everyone... in the comments! Or pick your favorite one and answer it!

A list of things boys should NEVER say to a girl...

And surprise, surprise... I've heard them all...

1. "Wow, you have really big hands for a girl"
• Really? Do I? Or... perhaps you just have elf sized hands, and you know what they say about guys with elf hands... You have to wear elf sized gloves and those are really hard to find, so THERE! 
2. "Dang, girl, you are tall!"
• It's genetic you douche, what's your excuse? I'm pretty sure douchieness isn't genetic! Also... Duh, I've only been standing here for like 10 minutes and you just NOW realize this... I mean, keen observational skills bro...  
3. "So what's wrong with you?"
• What's wrong with me? Hmm... good questions maybe it's that I haven't punched you in the face yet, I don't know why but that seems like something I should be doing...
4. "So why didn't you just go to the gym?"

• ... you suck ...
5. "I think it's disgusting when girls eat..."
• I think it's disgusting when you wake up in the morning... I mean come on! You think it's disgusting when I do something that keeps me ALIVE? Well in response to that, sir, I say you probably pee sitting down, so there!
6. "You ate that whole box of mac and cheese by yourself?"
• No shame on this one, I am proud to say that I can OWN an entire box of Mac and Cheese all by myself!
7. "You're just like my mom!"
• Is it my mom jeans or my hair cut that make you say this... oh no, wait, I know... it's my giant purse with EVERYTHING you could possibly need... no, it's cool, I get that one, #notmadaboutit
8. "Shhhh! You're so loud!"
• Good point, I'll work on that, you know what it is, I let myself be too happy and let's be real what do I have to be happy about, I have shoes on AND I'm not knocked up yet... daymn my life sucks!
9. "You're not as funny as you think you are..."
• Well you're penis isn't as big as you think it is! Ok... maybe that was harsh and slightly inappropriate, let me rephrase... you're a jerk and I may not be as funny as I think I am but I'm at least a little funny... you're not even kind of attractive, so there! (ok, he was sort of attractive...)
10. "You just force yourself into every guy's friend zone"
• Really I force myself there, because I'm pretty sure I didn't hold a gun to your head or your friend-zone gate keeper, nope you opened the door and shoved me in there all on your own, ps. I never liked you anyway, I know you thought I did and you told all of our friends that I did and heck there was even a time where I thought I did... then I realized I'm prettier than you and more mature... you can tell I'm more mature by the difference in the amount of poop jokes we make, I mean really dude it's like 25-1... per night... You make 25 poop jokes compared to my 1 poop joke... who's a grown up now beech?!
11. "You do not weigh that much?!" 
• I have personally never heard this one but I heard about it last night and HAD to share... So this guy takes her drivers license like dumb guys do and says that sentence... WHO DOES THAT? I get it dude, you're trying to say I look skinner than I am, but trust me when I say NOTHING related to weight is going to get you a win... even when you say "you look really skinny" it's like saying "usually you look fat" So to the boy who said this (because a MAN would never be so stupid) I can almost guarantee you couldn't bench press my arm, so suck it! 

Well there you have it, a list of 11 things boys should never say to any girl and I've heard them all... I hope  you my dear friends never have to experience these things but just in case you now have some pretty good come backs I didn't come up with at the time... it's always about having a good come back and I always come up with them later...

On that note, to Drew Brower from 5th grade who once said to me while I looked in her direction however not directly at her "Do you have a staring problem you freak?!" I say in response, 14 years later: "I only have a staring problem when I'm looking at ugly things!" So there!... PS... Drew and I may not have ever gotten along (a teacher actually once forced her to apologize to me in 9th grade) but I'm sure she was a lovely person, so no hard feelings... just unsaid come backs.