Friday, May 31, 2013

A day in the life of The Dude...

So I realized something the other day... I say the word "Dude" way too much... I mean, really Dude, it's like that word has become my go-to pronoun... So, naturally, I googled the word Dude... besides a "dude" in a coconut bra, the pictures mostly consisted of "the Dude" from the movie The Big Lebowski. I've always been told it's the correct term for a hair on an elephant's butt... but my google research has turned up no such facts, so it must not be true.

Dude, is a term commonly used by hooligans. Deriving from the German word for "Fool" (no joke) I feel like it's one of those things that was never supposed to be used as a term of endearment but has been twisted by people like Mama June and Honey Boo Boo. (Yes, this is her wedding dress)
Lesson #3: Speak like a lady

I do a lot of things in a highly un-ladylike manner. My dad likes to say I eat like a lumberjack/trucker (depends on what I'm eating) So naturally speaking like a lady is something that doesn't come naturally. I keep telling myself there's some guy out there who will find it endearing that I call him dude... and then I look at Mama June's wedding pictures and I decide, maybe I don't want that kind of man... although he does pull off traffic-cone-orange like a pro! 

The kinds of boys I like usually aren't attractive to Lumberjack-Truckers... Perhaps if I cut out the words like dude from my vocabulary the rest of the ladylike-ness will follow... Maybe I should start drinking my Diet Coke with my pinky out, actually, now that I think about it, I might need all 5 fingers to hold on to my 100oz mug... 

Thursday, May 30, 2013

A day in the life of a TV Zombie...

I can't say I do it on purpose, I don't really know how it happens to be honest, but when I begin to watch television something happens...
This is a pretty good description of the molecular change that happens within myself once the television comes to life. When my mother suggested I start a blog one of the subjects she thought I could write about was TV... the fact that she knows that I watch enough TV to legitimately commentate on it and make money off those comments is either really really sad (and yes, we're still good with this) OR it's nice that she really does know me, my mom knows me!

Lesson number 2: try not to know more about TV than you do about math

This is a lesson I haven't yet mastered, another reason I've never been kissed... It should be noted that when it comes to Math my knowledge pretty much ends at a 6th grade level, once you start asking me to solve for x my brain goes blank. But... if you wanted to know about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her various relationships I could probably give you a detailed explanation... Veronica Mars' love life, I've rewinded her and Logan's first kiss too many creepy times to count. Charmed, Bones, Community, The Office, New Girl, The Mindy Project, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, Warehouse 13, Gilmore Girls, The Ghost Whisperer, Lost, 30 Rock, Sabrina the Teenaged Witch, Arrested Development, Psych, Once Upon A Time, Revenge, Better off Ted, SNL, Nashville, 90210, Modern Family, PLL, ... you know, just to name a few... Any who... I could give you detailed descriptions of the lives of the people in these shows, I could tell you details about them that normal fans don't know, and honestly, don't care about. I have a sick and sad obsession with Television. 

I suppose it stems from my lack of a personal life, I borrow from those on the screen. I'm not looking for pity, I love TV, and wether or not I had a boyfriend this would stay the same... I'm just saying, it's possible my lack of a boyfriend is partly connected to the amount of time I spend on Hulu. 

My obscure knowledge of the lives and times of fictional characters is not limited to Television, go ahead, quiz me on Harry Potter, Twilight (I'm slightly embarrassed by that one, but hey Bella and Edward help me imagine what it might be like to have a boyfriend (if I was a psycho girl with no personality who was so completely co-dependant that I shut down when he leaves town for a few months) but still a boyfriend none the less! Hunger Games (this one I'm not quite as familiar with yet, but we'll get there! Anyway the point is... I should really major in pop-culture-fiction, I would so Ace that!!! 

Yup, I just googled it, that's not a real major... maybe I should start my own college... 

A day in the life of someone who should have been on Gossip Girl

So my mom and my dad both decided that I needed to start a blog, it's their latest get-Samantha-rich-quick-so-she-won't-rely-on-us-anymore-skeem... I mean, come on guys, I'll be 24 in a week... I have at least another 10 years of dependency left in me before it becomes pathetic! Right now it's just sad, and I can live with sad! 

I'm trying to come up with topics to write about, right, so I'm thinking, what could I write about that might interest people? And I realize, I'm an anomaly.... I am nearly 24, I have NEVER had a boyfriend, I have NEVER been kissed, I DEFINITELY have NEVER had sex... I am a 20-something Virgin in the truest sense. Besides the fact that I have strong religious beliefs keeping me from "doing the official deed" there is no reason why these things should be a fact! So, here you have it, my topic, A day in the life of me! I figure this will serve as a cautionary tale and help other people in my sad (see still good with it) situation to not be in this position... I feel like the best way to avoid being me is to preform an in-depth study of me. This blog will probably serve as a detailed how-not-to-be journal! 
                                         Lesson number one: be careful what you google for...

So it appears that my lack of being kissed may or may not have something to do with the fact that I was never a Gossip Girl cast member. I was googling "kissing" pictures,
NO I AM NOT A PERV! it's for the blog ok! 
Any way, I was googling kissing pictures and the first row was mostly stills from the TV show Gossip Girl. This is where I went wrong! I really should have put more effort into becoming an actress, and then becoming a regular cast member on that show! Now I know why I've never been kissed! 
Mystery solved!! I could also look into becoming a cow, gay, or an olde-timey movie star... suggestions?