Tweeting and Toilets

Twitter is weird... It's basically Facebook but just with the status updates... it's stupid... I don't need to see yet ANOTHER picture of your dog doing something adorable reminding me that I can't have a dog!

Despite these feelings that I have towards Twitter I still have an account and I still use it on a daily basis... I like to document stupid things, I live tweeted my astronomy class on Monday... seriously thou

gh, everyone should take this class... it's ridiculous.

So I live tweet my classes, I document the hilarious things I over hear, I follow celebs, and “Scar's Tweets” … tweets mostly about how Mufassa is dead... anyway, I'm addicted. And then something amazing happened the other night... an account called : BYUI- Secret Bathrooms... Really? Secret Bathrooms?! What a genius idea... I mean really... One of my favorite pass times at BYU-I was finding a bathroom nobody knew about and using it all the time... Don't judge me, ok, I like my privacy... when I am sittin in the stall, taking care of business, I don't like the idea that someone is in there with me... hearing what's happening... that kind of stuff should be private! Sometimes I listen to my iPod, what of it?!

So there it is, my dirty bathroom secret, I like to be alone while takin' care of business! And this twitter account followed me! So I obviously followed him/her/them back... I mean, I need to stay up on all the secret spots! I know, I haven't lived in Sexy Rexy for some time... but I will be visiting and who knows? I feel like I'm not quite done with Rexburg yet...

I am a little worried though... once this twitter account blows up (which it will, because it's genius) will those “Secret” bathrooms still remain as private as I love them to be? Or will I think I'm going to have a nice quite time in that one restroom in the Smith that's on the second floor, kind of hidden in an alcove with the couch, and bam! There's a line all the way up the stairs!... I hope not... it's about integrity people, remember that!

For those of you in and around Rexburg (even if it only resides in your heart), I suggest a follow!

BYU-I Secret Bathrooms and I had an awesome conversation the other day about how now that I'm cool enough for a follow from them, I might just get a date! Here's to hoping!

Death is breathing down my neck...

Well, my Communications text book just confirmed it... I might actually die or go insane from being single... "Happily married people also have lower incidences of pneumonia, surgery, and cancer than single people." ... "College students in committed relationships experience few mental health problems than those not in committed relationships."

So there it is in black and white (and now hot pink per my highlighter) in a book that I payed $59 to RENT... For real though, to rent?! Who do they think they are?! Haven't they ever heard of a library?! You get freaking books for free... Wait this is a rant for a totally different blog.

Point is that this is a widely used text book that's goal is to help me be a better communicator and all it's done so far is confirm what I already knew... I need to just accept that I'm going to be committed any day now... 

I'm not too concerned about it though... I'm thinking it might be kind of nice... Like a vacation, a nice padded room. Warm and cozy. Days filled with cafeteria food (which if i'm being honest I always kind of liked) and little plastic cups of different colored happiness swallowed with pride. (for real though my ability to swallow large amounts of horse pills is a point of pride for me) I'm thinking the nights will me movies, whispered conversations about the governments plan to inject us with micro-robots and going to bed early, which I'd going to be really nice I think. 

So I guess what I should be doing is thanking my teacher for waking me up to this beautiful possibility for a mere $59! So thank you communications teacher who says "ehhhhhh k" after every sentence... Your superior communication skills has changed my life for the better, I just might start singing like Kristen Chennowith (but only if you'll be Anna Kendrick! 

Why I should be a guest on Ellen...

So I watched this YouTube clip today of Taylor Swift being scared on Ellen and it made me think... I would be the best guest on Ellen... I have the best terrified reactions! Examples:

Incident #1
Once upon a time, when I was working at a snocone shack called Snoasis, my friend Jesse came to visit me... So I'm sitting in this little hut, jamming to the radio and reading Gossip Girl (yes they were books before they were a TV show!) And I knew Jesse was coming... infect I'm thinking to myself "Jesse should be here soon!" and I look up and there's Jesse... just standing there... and I look down again and then I look up again and I fully realize he's there and I Scream bloody murder... Seriously...

Incident #2
That is not even close to the only time I've been scared by someone I already knew was there...

Incident #3
My family and I went to "Fright-mares" At Lagoon in Utah... and my mom made a point of telling the dudes with chainsaws in the least scary haunted house that I am a pansy and they followed me around the whole time.... I was terrified and everyone else was dying of laughter...

Incident #4
I went to a hunted house with some friends, there were four of us... I held on to my friend Garet's jacket for dear life... I'd be surprised if it didn't fall apart when he got home... and made my friend Cameron stand behind me so I wouldn't be the last one... in the end we were in a WWII themed grain-cylo in which zombies push at you on both sides and I'm running to get through and I trip over something and totally destroyed my knees... seriously though... I have nerve damage. Although that might have more to do with the 5-yes F-I-V-E times I fell on that one knee last winter... it is LITERALLY still numb... it's been a year...

There are a few other incidents I could innumerate but I think we all get the point... I'm a big-scardy-cat and Ellen should have me on her show for a few laughs... and about a million YouTube hits...

Mix-tape Friday!

Seven songs I'm currently obsessed with and how they relate to my love life.

1. White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. Regularly I’ll tell myself that God has kept me from dating etc. because he’s protecting me from a lust I wouldn’t be able to control… It’s also possible that as Ke$ha once wisely said… Love would be my drug… and this is how I would act...

2. The Dummy Song by Louis Armstrong. This song just gave me some really good ideas about how to make a boyfriend!

3. Paper Doll by John Mayer. Ok well really it's this music video...

4. Put Your Graffiti on Me by Kay Graham. Yes… I want someone to put their Graffiti on me… plus this beat is sick!

5.  The One That Got Away by The Civil Wars. So this one is more about how I wish there was one to get away... Then I could sing this song with real feelings instead of the ones I pretend are there between myself and Ian Sommerhaulder... WHAT WE HAVE IS REAL!

6. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot… this one isn’t so much a current obsession as it is a constant obsession…

7. Rumor Has It by Adele. I love this song… and every time I see an attractive man with another woman I think “She ain’t real, she ain’t gonna be able to love you like I will…” etc… I mean come one peeps, some times people say when you’re a big girl theres “more to love” well I say I have a much greater capacity to love because there’s lots of room in my Rubenesque figure to hold love!

So there you have it… If you have a chance, check out these songs… maybe they’ll resinate with your love life… nonexistent or real, they can fit any one’s life...

Boy talk

Last night I hung out with boys... It was fascinating!

Monday Night is Family night and when you are single your family is other single people your age so I went to have family night with a bunch of other single people here in Gillette. We played a game where you were given a verb and an adverb (two words who's meaning I have forgotten since 9th grade so I relearned them last night) and we had to act them out for someone to guess... The result was pretty entertaining:

We had someone lift weights musically

Another friend of mine played Quidditch womanly (so good is another way to say that...)

Ethan washed dishes in a manly way

One guy had to flirty softly... I got hit on... For the first time in my life! He asked me what kind of fabric his sweatshirt was, when I didn't know he informed me that it was boyfriend material... Hahaha

I did laundry in a nerdy way (it was probably the hit of the night... I pushed up my glasses, which I do any way, I talked about loving biology, which anyone who saw my report card from last semester knows means I'm an excellent actor...) 

My personal favorite was the guy who was a little too enthusiastic about his charge to slay a dragon offensively... He grabbed a broom and went at a bush like it had burned down his thatched-roof cottage with his mother inside... ( yes I say mother and not wife and children because he seems like the type of guy who would be more upset about loosing his mother than the woman who birthed his children... Bates motel anyone?!)

So after we had a little too much fun enacting my ninth grade worksheets and ate cake a majority of the people left and there was just a few of us left, some of my closer friends... All guys, me and all guys (my favorite type of party)

There were fart jokes, girl talk... Who's hot and who's not... I was mentioned on more than one occasion as being like a sister... Which while being a mutual feeling and there for not too hard to hear, is still one of those things that when you hear it you're like "typical..." 

We ended up talking about how great Tuck Everlasting is... Don't lie you know you love it!! 

In conclusion I LOVE hanging out with guys they are so much easier to be around than girls some times... Why? Because they can talk about nothing for hours... Girls need meaningful conversation... Blech!

So thank you boys for being boys... Ps, please date me ( not the guys from last night but just som men... Preferably a tall man... With dark hair... Not that I'm picky.) 

Bridal Show Hell...

Have you ever been in a situation where you are pretty sure the whole world is against you and your happiness? Well that was my Saturday...

So Saturday after hours of screaming and tears falling (not to mention what came out of the 5 and 9 year old'Bridal Show aka the physical manifestation of all my unrequited hopes and dreams...
s I was with) I piled children into a car and drove out to my own personal hell for lunch with their parents who were dancing at a

It was pretty bright out so I traded my Rx glasses for my fancy Christmas Gift Oakley's my boss got me and started the car... About 47 seconds into the drive the voice from the back seat says "Samy, who am I going to marry?" Well, 5-year-old, I thought, if I had the ability to tell people that I would't be here, now would I?! But what I said was "Prince Charming" her reply: "But who is that?!!!!!" "Everyone has their own Prince Charming, I don't know who your's is." after some screaming about how I just needed to stop withholding information and give up the name the subject was artfully changed by yours truly and we continued on towards the Mecca of my dreams. 

Once we got inside I realized I still had my sunglasses on and not my prescription lenses. It was windy out and I had no desire to treck the 6- rows back so I just decided to accept the annoying but not debilitating haze that was around me. 

The woman at the door stopped me and asked "are you the bride?!" with a cheery almost conspiratorial smile on her face. "oh, no, I'm just meeting someone here, I wish though!" she smirked and said "last year they had me here while i was going thorough a divorce... Be grateful you're single!" and on that happy thought we walked into the maze of sparkles and pink taffeta! 

I was immediately grateful for the less than perfect vision I had to deal with because I was pretty positive it kept me from seeing too much of the items I dream about... Diamonds, cakes, bridesmaid dresses, all the things that haunt my "I'm such a girl" pinterest board. We found the kid's parents after the 5-year-old "not a real princess so how can she have a real prince?!" stopped at every other booth with sparkles anywhere in sight. The lady who was manning the dance studio's booth came up to me and said with a twinkle in her eye "so... When's the big day?!" for the second, possibly third time that day I had to inform a complete stranger that no, I am not engaged, nor does it appear I ever will be... 

We left for lunch, only to return too soon and sit and watch a never ending parade of Flower Girl and Bridesmaid dresses while we waited to watch the dance routine they had worked on all week. Every dress that came out the little 5-year-old at my side would ooh and ahh and lament about those girls who got to wear the pretty dresses and why wasn't she wearing one of those dresses... And honestly, all I could think was, ya... I wonder that too. 

Eventually I got over it and realized that 65% of the dresses were hideous and the girl who had to keep readjusting made me feel a little better about myself... Mentally criticizing my surroundings usually does, you know, because i'm a horrible  person... 

Plus, I got a pretty legit GIANT diamond-ring key chain for free so all in all, it wasn't a bad afternoon... Not a bad afternoon at all!

I wish my hips lied!

So I was thinking, I've always been under the impression that I had nice wide birthing hips and that one day a man would realize this, sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after... But now I'm wondering. Could my hips be too wide?

Reason #35: too much of a good thing = a bad thing!

The point of good birthing hips is to make birth easier and more successful, right? Well maybe men look at my hips and see that birth would be much too easy Amy our child would end up thinking the world is easy and all thanks to my too-wide birthing hips our child would be set up for failure right out of the womb! 

That's it, isn't it?! The reason I haven't found a man is that I've made birth too easy and there for not worth it... I mean I might as well just scheduled all my c-sections now! 

Who do I think I am? 

Solutions:

1. Break my hips, need replacement, get replaced by smaller hips

2. Wrap them up She's The Man style

3. Give up...

I don't think I'm quite ready for option 3 yet so I'll start work on the first two for now! Wish me luck! I have some skiing accidents to plan!

An afterthought: I just went looking for pictures of hip casts and other than the pictures of children looking terribly uncomfortable all coasted up I found pictures of black people from tv... And then i started looking at pictures from She's The Man and I think instead of trying to hurt or hide myself I'm just gonna stare at Channing Tatum's abs... Peace! 

Fishing in New Waters!

As I meander through Walmart I'm struck with the realization that this is the pond I have to fish from (yes we are going to use the age-old analogy of dating=fishing)... Walmart is the hub of humanity... every kind of person shops at Walmart, especially in a town where it's the only place you can find everything you need... even men?

This is how I will now approach dating

So here's the conclusion I've come to...Reason #34 I'm too picky!

It's apparent to me now that there must have been PLEANTY of men willing to date me I just never considered them as dating material... I mean, look at the couples around you next time you're at Walmart... I'm prettier than MANY of those women, so why am I not dating their boyfriends? I'm a stingy bee-och! Those poor guys have probably tried hitting on me millions of time, ok... maybe tens of times... anyway, I've been hit on I just thought they were too unattractive to hit on anyone, they were just being nice. Wow, I'm the worst!

So here's my solution, I'm going to make a list of all the types of guys I now need to be paying attention to if I'm going to get kissed in the next 152 days...

1. Baggy-pants guys... Yes, their pants may not fit but that's just because they are trying to fit them to their hearts, not their waist!
2. Guys with messy hair... just because they can't afford a trip to the barber shop or buy a comb doesn't mean they don't have arms that can hold you when the night gets cold!
3. Men who have no life plan... I've always dreamed of being rich, yes, but that's pretty unrealistic, isn't it? I need to accept that every man in this world is not aspiring to be a White-Collar worker... some men were born with a plastic spoon in their mouths and they are pretty happy with the easy kitchen clean up that comes with picnic supplies...
4. X-Box Live Champions... Some men aspire to be on the Forbes List of Most Successful Men, Some men aspire to save lives as a surgeon, some men want to be writers, some men want to be fathers, and some men want to be ranked in the top 50 on the Ghost Protocol Leader Boards... everyone has dreams, don't act like they are all of value!
5. Guys who still live with their moms.... Really, who wouldn't still live with their mom, no one washes underwear like that woman!

Even Kanye still loves his mama!

I'm sure I missed a few, but the point is that I'm opening my eyes, my arms, and most importantly, my heart! There are plenty of men out there just waiting to find the right gal who won't judge, and loves them, baggy pants, bead head, and all! I can't wait to see what happens now!

Not-so-guilty-pleasures...

So this morning as I was doing my hair and makeup (trying not to look messy as a 5-year-old whispered to me this morning that I should try really hard!) I realized that today was a Taylor Swift kind of day! I wanted to jam out in the bathroom to the candy-sweet and sometimes bitter words of a pop-star who isn't afraid to sing anything that's on her mind!

Some of you may be shaking your heads at this declaration... to you I say #sorrynotsorry ... I mean, really, why should I be sorry for LOVING something so fundamentally girly?! I AM A FEMALE! If you question this, please refer to the pink polka-dot pants I'm wearing today!

I love being a girl and in honor of that, Taylor Swift, and all the things I do that someone told me I should be ashamed of here's my list of things I'm no longer going to be guilty about, so take that and put it up your skirt!

1. Taylor Swift 2007-present day! I love all 4 of her CD's and I am not ashamed that I know practically ALL the words to every song, excluding he 3rd CD which came out while I was a missionary... But I'm pretty close!

2. Diet Coke... but I think the poem I wrote to the beautiful brown liquid kind-of proves that... But I'm really not ashamed of how much I freaking love that stuff... the thousands of straw wrappers that litter my car floor are also a testament to that.

3. The fact that I need to clean my car out really badly! Here's the deal guys,  I am the primary user of that car, and it's not like it smells bad, so just because I have a hard time paying $0.75 to vacuum it out for 2-minutes doesn't make me any less of a girl or any less awesome!

4. My love of Gilmore Girls... some may have said I'm "obsessed" just because I own all 7-seasons, but I prefer to say I'm a normal fan who happens to want to watch the show at her leisure... I mean it's not like I know the birthday of every character, or anything like that...

5. My use of #hashtags... it's mostly nostalgic for my sister... she and I used to have hashtag conversations... #truestory #theyarejustsorediculoustheyvegoneallthewaybacktoawesome

6. My undying love of the cartoons and tv shows I grew up with... I'm not going to go out of my way to watch them, maybe with the exception of So Weird... i just really want to watch a freaking episode of that stupid show but i can't find one ANYWHERE?! wtfrakk disney channel?!!!

7. My love for Mr. Darcy... Colin Firth, Matthew McFadyen, or just reading the book... I LOVE THAT MAN!!!

8. My love of the music of Hilary Duff, Selena Gomez, the early works of Brittney and Christina, Mandy Moore, Disney Movies, N*Sync, 98 Degrees, Destiny's Child, A-Teens, etc... The 90's were a good decade to grow up in...

9. My lists... it's my only form of organization...

10. The fact that sometimes I look at someone and think... "I'm prettier than her"... It may seem terrible but sometimes I just have to, and I'm no longer going to be ashamed of it!

This list is dedicated to Kelly Pilling, who finds value in my knowledge of the celebrity men Taylor Swift's songs are based on, will drink Diet Coke with me all day, gave me the BBC Pride and Prejudice for my High School Graduation, and took me to see Frozen... I'm so glad I found a Soul Sister with such amazing kids, and who let be a part of her family for the last 10-years... I'm a lucky girl!

Ode to Diet Coke

Oh Diet Coke, you fill me with joy! 

my full Styrofoam cup filled might be better than a boy...

 

remember when the stewardess brought me the full can with out me even asking?

yes that was the day she and i became friends, a friendship completely unlacking...

Then she remembered my love of you on the second leg of the flight,

I might marry her now that it's legal all over, yes i just might! 

Then I could fly free and sip you all over the skies,

I'd ask myself, with unlimited Diet Coke, who needs guys?

I rarely need more than a can and some netflix,

they are just the medicine for all ales i must fix.

Diet Coke, you may have once been made with a drug,

your past I will happily sweep under the rug.

I wrote this poem for you, and I do so knowing,

there will be ridicule others think owing.

To them I say they won't understand our love,

And that's ok because I know plenty who will agree with the above!

To my fellow addicts I wish you well

Happy day to all from me and my Diet Coke, to the rest I can only attempt to tell

this story of one girl's love of a soda

however, this is the end, there will be no coda!

How G-ma Mary screwed me over...

So I just remembered something... My grandma didn't get married until she was in her LATE 30's.... Like LATE, LATE .... My mom's oldest sister was born on my Grandma's 40th birthday.... 40....40.... I'm only 15 years away from that ridiculous age! GOSH DANG I'M OLD!!!!!

anyway...

My g-ma was married 3-times, one was a pretty short marriage and in all honesty we don't know ANYTHING about the man... the second marriage produced my mom and her 2-sisters and the third marriage was her happy time... but the woman was probably like, 47 when that one happened.

Reason #33--> It's in my blood!

My grandma screwed me twice over...

1st... she was married at a VERY old age...

2nd...she married 3-times... honestly there are only so many marriages allowed in one family, she may have used up my chance.

Proof:

1st... My mom wasn't married until she was 28 (that's like 100 in Mormon woman age) and one of my cousins wasn't married until she was 30 or 31 or something.... My aunt was married twice and the second husband was significantly younger than her. PS... on my Dad's side my aunt was married at a much older age and that grandma was married twice... mmhmm my chances are looking slimmer by the moment!

2nd... all my female cousins are married, and my sister (while she is now a missionary) will probably be married within a year of her return... So that will leave me, the only female on both sides of my family who is unmarried and by then after all the remarriages and old-marriages I'm pretty positive our family will be all out of spouses.

So as I have said before, thanks to genetics I will never marry!

On the bright side, another thing my G-ma Mary (who was btw SUPER BA) handed down is serious LONGEVITY... She lived to be 94, her mother and sister lived to be 93... So I'll be able to live alone and kiss-less for another 70 years!