Wednesday, September 25, 2013


So I'm sitting outside my bio-lab and just, you know, watching people... not in a Fatal Attraction kind of way, but you know... the way you do...

Anyway, so I'm watching people and it's ridiculous how predictable people are... there are like 15 types of people and everyone can fall into a category... Certain types of people are always friends with the same types of people... They always react the same way to situations. etc....

Really you can break it down into the Mean Girls cafeteria scene...

You've got your...

  • Freshman (Anxious people who are afraid of everything and everyone)
  • ROTC guys  (Tough guys who aren't afraid of anything)
  • Preps (People who think they are better than everyone else and who only wear polos)
  • JV Jocks (People who are good at sports but know there are more important things in life...)
  • Asian Nerds (I mean... that one kind of speaks for itself...)
  •  Cool Asians (Dido)
  • Varsity Jocks (Those who work at your local McDonalds and are only cool in High School and at Home Coming) 
  • Unfriendly Black Hotties (We don't have to be racist here, there are unfriendly white hotties too...)
  • Girls who eat their feelings (I mean... I suppose I would fall into this category if we want to revisit my confessed love of 2 men...) 
  • Girls who don't eat anything at all (This will NEVER be me... and frankly I don't understand them... although I do share their appreciation for diet coke... but sharing ONE can with 5 people... nope!, no thank you I will take a 100ouncer to myself!)
  • Desperate Wannabe's (my favorite sort of person who falls into this category are those people on twitter/facebook who are always comenting on their fav celeb's EVERYTHING with the following "I'll just die if .... doesn't notice me!" "Notice me and I won't kill myself!" "it's my birthday, notice me"
  • Burnouts (There was this guy in my Bio-Lab yesterday wearing sunglasses and a "The Dude" T-shirt...)
  • Sexually active band geeks (Still nerds... but at least they're getting some... I look at this and think something like "well if there's someone out there for them...")
  • The greatest people you will ever meet
  • And the worst (Beware of The Plastics)
I think these last two are pretty self explanatory!  So anyway... people are predictable and now that I've said it you'll start categorizing all your friends and before you know it there will be one of those big pictures floating around facebook where you tag all your friends into the category they fall into and it's super fun and they have Disney ones and The Fast and the Furious ones and junk like that...

I can't wait!

What category do you fall under? I've told you... now tell me in the comments! You I can tag you in it on FB!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Social life.

So my social life consists of being a Taxi Driver... Seriously the only time I get to have any interaction with people in my age group is when I'm driving them to Walmart... or picking them up... etc... Seriously, there has got to be something in that....  The reason I'm not dating is because men only see me as a foreign man who drives a little yellow car around.

Lesson #29--> Try not to be come some sort of service worker...

Really a service worker of any type; taxi driver, hooker, door-mam (haha, get it?), etc... These people do not get dates... they are already married... or they are hookers...

So here's my question how do I change my image, this whole taxi driver thing probably won't stop unless my car officially goes out of commission, mostly because I'm too nice, oh and I really don't want to give up my social life! I have no time for any other sort of a social life... what's a girl to do?!

I know! Online dating... I'm choosing between the following sites:

Well now that I've got my list... I'm gonna start finding me a man!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

My two boyfriends...

So I was talking to my friend the other day about how we handle things so super differently... She was talking about how she had been at a marathon (the choir I work with was preforming after the run) and she  was looking at the runner's times... So she's seeing how fast all these runners ran 8-miles... like 10-minute miles all the way through... yuck! She's telling me how she felt super bad so the next day she ran like 10 miles...

I do not handle feeling bad that way... If I were in her situation it would have been me going home plopping on my couch and having a snack with my two boyfriends, Ben and Jerry! Seriously guys, who needs a man when you have two... who love you, never judge you, always are willing to change for you and your personal tastes that day! Seriously... Ben and Jerry are the PERFECT men...

Let's start with their appearance... have you ever seen Ben and Jerry... they are MEN.... like in the mountains mixing up ice cream kind of men. They are just two guys who love ice cream and decided to get together and make the rest of the world a better place...

If you are down and have a desire to be cheered up by two bearded studs named Ben and Jerry, here's a list of some of my favorite flavors!

  1. Americone Dream
  2. Karmel Sutra
  3. Half Baked
  4. Tobias Funke's I Just Blue Myself
  5. Schweddy Balls
Now if you understand the last one then we really are friends! Take a minute and enjoy some frozen calories, and have a better day!

Friday, September 13, 2013

Bump and Grind

So I got in a car accident last night... giving me a new idea of the real meaning of Bump and Grind...

After a highly competitive game of 4-year-old Soccer in which I repeatedly said (much too loudly) how much I disapproved of the six-year-old in pink pants who was much too good, being in that league. I also discovered that other than the one I live with, my favorite 4-year-old on that team is a little boy named Grizzly... they call him Griz... I hope his best friends name is Dot-Com...

So anyway the game ended and I was on my way with said 4-year-old i live with and a friend to get ice cream, looked down at my phone at a stop-and-go-stop light and BAM! I hit the big-fatty titanium backed truck in front of me! My car's front end is SERIOUSLY messed up, but luckily everyone is ok! This is really all that matters... until I get the bill to fix my car that is...
Poor Belva... she never had a chance next to that dumb truck! I'm just glad it still works. And seriously I feel so blessed that no one was hurt, especially since I had some very important cargo. I feel SUPER blessed...

So in light of all of this, and with the idea in my mind that worrying about it isn't going to change what happened, I've written it down and it's out of mind... not out of sight, since I just posted pictures, but whatever...

Happy Friday the 13th my people! Try not to break stuff!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Internet, you Bastage!!!

First off, Bastage is like my nice way of saying that word that means child born out of wedlock...

Second... I HATE the Internet... OK So I don't hate the good, nice Internet that keeps me connected to awesome people... I hate the Internet that tries to teach me shiz... the Internet that allows creepers to creep with more prowess than any generation in Earth's history has ever experienced!

Today the Internet has failed me TWICE nope, nope... it's THRICE!!!!! Thrice the interwebs have made me want to punch a hole in the computer screen... it's not your fault computer screen... it's the interwebs... and I blame Al Gore... DARN YOU AL GORE! Why did you have to invent the Internet... you seriously should have spent more time saving whales... because now we have too much internet and not nearly enough whales!

So you may be asking yourself... well me in your head... "Why do you hate the internet so much? and why do you always call in the interwebs... you know that's not a real word, right?!"

Well to answer your first and most rational question... Because today 3-seperate times I was trying to do homework and earn my degree and the interwebs kept shooting me in the face with it's lies! It kept telling me shiz like "you aren't registered for that" when I so clearly am... you jerk! And things like "I'm not going to let you click finish on this REDICULOUS orientation that your stupid college is FORCING you to do when you've been in college for basically 150 suck it"... ya the interwebs told me to SUCK IT! Rude, right?!

As for you second and barely mentionable question... I call it the interwebs because I can, and it's a word if I say it's a word... and it's a word!

Well... I've spent too long on the interwebs today and I'm about ready to punch a hole in something... maybe the next person who comes up to me and askes me the time... IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET A WATCH YOU ... PERSON, YOU!

Well that's all for my ranting.

Save your had, punch a pillow, not a computer screen....

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Let's be friends so we can make out...

So if you've read any of my Friday blogs, then you know that I love music... and movies... any way, One of the songs I believe I recommend to you on one of those friday posts is obviously a classic of our generation, "Let's be friends so we can make out" is the title. This musical masterpiece can be compared to Mozart and Beethoven for many reasons but the main reason is the way it speaks to the morals and tastes of a generation.

"Hey, what's your name? I think I like you, come a little closer now! Wait... what'd you say? Is that you're girlfriend? Think I'll be turnin' that around! Don't you wanna don't you wanna don't you wanna know what it would feel like?" In this first verse of the song the author is speaking to some boy she's literally JUST met... and she meets his girlfriend in the same encounter... and vows to get rid of the girlfriend... ya, that seems rational...

"Let's be friends so we can make out, you're so hot let me show you around, I see what I want and I wanna play, everyone know's I'm gettin' my way! It doesn't matter what you say, I'm knockin' you down, down, down, I'm knockin you down!" Here it is ladies and gentlemen, the statement that proves my friend Chris' hypothesis that men and women CANNOT be just friends... There is always some or the other party who would, if given the opportunity, "hit that". In every male-female relationship this is the case... it's lovely to say "He's just my friend" But I promise you sweetie, he's thinking "Ya, I'd totally hit that... but she friend zoned me a long time ago!" or vice-versa!

Go ahead... I'll give you a few seconds... think about it... every relationship you've had with a member of the opposite sex could have, if given the opportunity, ended with one steamy make-out sesh!
Ok, have you thought about it... and you realized I'm right, did you not?!

Let us continue...

"Wait! Let me flip through the pages to something outrageous, potentially, maybe we could be more. But don't get you're hopes up, first let's just hook-up maybe you'll be what I'm looking for" And then it goes on the the chorus line again... So here is where it gets nice and confusing... because isn't this usually the way a guy feels? NO! Girls, admit it! You have always wanted to have that kind of power, the kind where you say, "ya, this might just be a one time thing" Potentially, maybe it could be more, but first let's just see if you're a good kisser... Nice one girls, way to take women's lib to a whole-nother level!

And finally my favorite line of the song "'CAUSE WE'RE YOUNG!!!!" Yup... there it is, the idea that just because you're young it's ok to be slutty and do whatever... trust me

guys, it's not the case... smarts come in all ages and colors!

SO there you have it... I've broken down my favorite song glo-zel style! You're welcome!

Now go find a new "friend" and have a fun day...  you know why? "CAUSE WE'RE YOUNG!!!!"

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Fake it 'till you make it, Part deux

So another thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is confidence...
  • Who has it?
  • What is it?
  • Where do people get it?
  • When do you develop it?
  • Why do they have more than I do?
  • How can I get some?
These are all questions I've asked myself over my 24-kissless-years of life... and I feel like I've come up with a pretty good system of faking it and I will continue to fake it until I make it. Here's some help for those of you out there who could use a little booster. But before we get to the how, I'm going to address the questions I posed because I imagine since "I'm every woman" (Thank you Whitney Huston) I'm not the only one who's asked these questions...
  1. Who has it?
    • Well the simple answer to this question is NO ONE! The harder to understand answer is EVERYONE! Everyone has the potential for confidence... it's just sitting in your heart waiting to blossom into a beautiful confidence-flower!
  2. What is it?
    • Simple answer: The belief that you are awesome! Difficult answer: The knowledge of who you are, where you come from, and the potential you have...
  3. Where do people get it?
    • I don't really think there's a simple answer to this one... But like I said in answer #2, it's a knowledgeof who you are... etc...cheezie junk... I think it comes from a spiritual understanding, this can be religion, or meditation, or you can be like Jessica from yesterday's post and just know that you and everyone around you is awesome! But it's not just something you wake up with... you have to work at it! What did I do, you may be asking yourself...
      1. Prayer
      2. Scripture Study
      3. Stared at my beautiful self in mirrors
      4. Asked people to remind me how awesome/hilarious I am (For real... I had to do that a couple of times... I know it sounds bad, but whatever!)
      5. Remind other's how awesome they are... First off this usually makes them feel like they have to tell you something similar! Second as my friend Lem reminded me today, thinking about others keeps your mind off yourself and that is good and makes you feel good!
      6. sing... all the time!
  4. When do you develop it?
    • I don't think it ever just happens... I think it's a constant struggle, we are human so we have this weakness that some people call Satan, and others call self-doubt... it's all the same thing, it's something inside of us telling us we suck and others rock. It's how we compare ourselves to everyone else, it's all that shiz... but the only way to combat it is just like I said before, know who you are... know what you believe, know what you like, what you love, who you love, and don't be ashamed of any of it!
  5. Why do they have more than I do?
    • In all honesty, usually the people who seem to have it all, usually don't. they just know who to fake it 'till they make it!
  6.  How can I get some... so now that I look back on what I've already written, I'm pretty sure I've already answered this... so just do it!
Well... I'm sure you're sitting at your computer thinking "Seriously dude... just stick to what you know... making me laugh at poop jokes!" So I promise next time I'll try, but I just am so grateful for all my beautiful/handsom/awesome readers and so I want you to know how awesome you are! If you have anything to add PLEASE leave it in the comments so I can grow my confidence!

Peace and Love!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Fake it 'till you make it...

So I've been thinking a lot lately about being happy... I've been surrounded by a lot of negative people lately and I can see them all dragging each other down and it really has been bugging me.

I was thinking about what I can do to try and fix that and I was reminded of a class I took 156 years ago. It was called Health and Personal Wellness... one of the things we had to do every day was make wellness goals in a few different areas...

  1. Physical Health
  2. Mental Health
  3. Emotional Health
  4. Spiritual Health
Another subject that should be acknowledged daily is gratitude... Here are some examples, because some days I find myself not wanting to acknowledge any form of gratitude or goal setting, daily, weekly or anything of the sort (I hate goal setting PERIOD!)

  1.  Physical Health: Today I will only drink half the amount of Diet Coke that I usually drink
  2. Mental Health: Today I will read one article in the newspaper/ in a magazine/ etc...
  3. Emotional Health: Today I will meditate on my awesomeness for 20 minutes... this may include doing some form of Jessica's Daily Affirmations
  4. Spiritual Health: Today I will pray every time I go to the bathroom (sadly I cannot take full credit for this awesome goal, I'd like to thank my BFFHS Michelle
  5. Things I'm grateful for: 
    1. Television
    2. the god iPod
    3. Garrett's Twitter Feed
    4. the necklaces my sister left behind
    5. Cheeseburgers especially other people's cheeseburgers! (Thanks Lem)
Ok... so now that you have your basic template I recommend you go out and find yourself a notebook you love (email me if you'd like to buy one of mine!) or decorate one of your own, trust me, it's fun! Everyday... you'll feel so much better and you'll get over all your whininess... I mean seriously I'm about to call the waahhhmbulance!

Monday, September 2, 2013

A letter to my daughter: that I hope goes viral!

So I'm writing this in the hopes that someday I will be famous, just like the letter all the news sources are talking about it... now as I've just said, the whole "don't be like Miley" thing has been covered, so in true debate form I'm going to be covering the other side...

Dear Daughter,

You aren't born yet, in fact, as this blog testifies, You are not even kind of possibly in my stomach... I haven't kissed a boy yet, and as that is the beginning to you being born, it's going to take a while, so suck it up and wait a while... I know, the VMA's have made you super excited to be alive... that's all that Miley is about, being excited she's alive!! And yes, that's how I want you to be, excited for life!

Daughter (who's name may or may not be flip-flop dinglehopper, depending whether or not I'm famous) As by now you know (since I have been reading this blog to you nightly as your bedtime story) I am very fond of lists, so I have decided to make you a list of ways that you can love life as much as Miley.

  1. Start off with a rich dad, I'm working on this one for you... you're welcome!
  2. Get a hit TV show on the Disney Channel. I'm thinking that by the time you exist this shouldn't be too hard as the Disney Channel's standards are slowly depleting so by the time you're alive I'm pretty sure they will have none at all! 
  3. Find famous friends to get high with (see there really is no point in doing drugs unless you're famous and with famous people)
  4. Cut off all your hair but in a less dramatic way than Britney Spears (see it's the same crazy thing but it looks different so you seem more same) the best way to do this is to avoid attacking things with Umbrellas 
  5. Get engaged to an EXTREME hottie who for some reason seems to not notice how completely insane you are... good work there
  6. stop wearing pants all together
So at this point you're pretty well on you're way to experiencing life the way it should be experienced... life is for the living, so live it up baby! 

All my love to my little Flip-Flop Dinglehopper, 

Love, Mommy