Thursday, August 29, 2013

Japanese Hair Torture

So I'm pretty sure that if we have a WWIII I know how to win... it's called Japanese Hair Torture... I suppose it doesn't have to be Japanese, is it racist of me to call it that? Oh well... I'm anti-racist you guys, I don't care what nationality you are, if you're 4 and you brush my hair, it's torture!

Today I was straightening my hair and while I was doing it the 4 year old I live with was having a little too much fun practicing her war-time skills. I'm considering reporting her to the CIA so they know what weapons they have in their corner. Seriously though, I'm not exaggerating... ok... that's like saying I'm not blonde and awesome... I'm ALWAYS exaggerating. But she really did make a 18 year old boy cry the other day. In her defense he has probably never actually brushed his hair in his long 18-years of life...  The joy in her eyes is almost terrifying...

I think I've figured out her technique and I feel like I can start to teach a self-defence class based on it. I won't share all of her secrets here because, like I said, I'm hoping to start a class and if I put them in writing what's the point, but here are a few key things to remember:

  1. Use rubber bands rather than pony-tails
  2. when brushing use combs with tiny tiny teeth rather than a brush or a large-toothed-comb, this allows you to snare as many knots as is humanly possible at the same time.
  3. Use your body weight to pull as you bring the comb down, normal arm strength is never enough to make a person cry. 

Well now you have a list of ways to torture, but if you really want to master the technique meet me in the Gillette Community Center parking lot (they wouldn't give me a legit room) at 11PM tonight, maybe bring some pepper spray, you never know what kind of weird-o's are out at night!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

A day in the life of my work out face

So this morning at the gym (yes, that's right you read that sentence correctly) I'm lifting weights and it's getting pretty difficult and after a while somewhere in the back of my mind I realize I'm making some pretty unattractive faces.

Lesson #28: get a better work out face if you want to pick up guys at the gym...

There are a surprising amount of boys who like to get up early to pump the iron... So my plan is to allow them to watch me slowly but surely get hotter by the day and before you know it they'll be lining up to date me... however if I continue to look like one of these two that's never going to happen!

So here's my plan of attack:

 Phase 1: Slowly move from the "I'm taking the biggest dump of my life" face to an understated "early morning poo" face

Phase 2: Take the "early morning poo" face and softly transform it into a "blowing my nose" kind of face

Phase 3: Use the "blowing my nose" face and turn it into a   .                                                                   "stone cold vixen" face... that should be easy, right?!

Well, now I have the plan... it's time to put it into action, I suppose to achieve these goals I'm going to have to focus while I'm working out... that should be easy, right?! I expect to take a week for each phase so i should be done in three weeks!


I'll let you know how it goes!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

16th Century Dreamin...

So as I was killing myself with a work out last monday I had some time to think…So I’m working with a Show Choir in Gillette Wyoming… I know, even now as I go back and read that sentence I'm like... say what? But I swear it’s real! So anyway, I’m killing myself, WAYYYYY behind the group towards the end of our work out and I start talking to myself… rather loudly I might say, so any people hiding in the trees, who I’m pretty sure exist, you know, Hill people and all that, anyway, these hill people were probably laughing their a$$es off at my crazy ramblings…

So I’m talking to God about how pathetic my efforts during this work out were and I’m like, “You know, sometimes I wish I lived in medieval times, because those people were praised for being fat… if you were fat, you were rich! You could just sit at home ALL DAY LONG having people fan you (you know because fat people get hot (trust me)) and eat whatever they wanted… exercise was for peasants who had to work for their food… eww! Why can’t it still be like that? I totally want to sit on my bed all day, watch my Veronica Mars DVD’s while some peasant who had to get up at 4AM to feed his kids fanned my fat butt… yup that would be the life!

But no… I had to be born in 1989, when we have Jane Fonda Bust Your Buns VHS’ to tell me how to live my life. I had to watch teenagers jog circles around me and try not to cry… it’s ok to laugh, I was crying because I’d only gotten 3-hours of sleep the night before, not because I’m pathetic…

So I want to make a formal request… can we please go back in time… can we be smart like Henry the Eighth, like those who killed thousands of innocent people during the crusades, why can’t my world be more like Prince John from Robin Hood… just be carried around by hippos and have a snake best friend… ya, that would be the life. I think I’ll write my Congressman. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013


So this morning my new favorite person, Bejonce, told me that if you sweep your feet then you'll never get married... So we think that maybe this is why I'm not dating... that or all the good ones are gay... Anyway so I was thinking... what other super superstitions should I have consulted in life that are now keeping me from dating/marriage... so I googled it...

  • if you eat onions on saturday night you won't meet/see your lover on sunday... (Well, I eat onions every day so there goes that... hey do you think my breath has something to do with it?)
  • if you have stumbled going up a flight of stairs, have hairy legs, have dreamed of taking a bath, or have noticed that the lines on your palm form an "m", recently then you will soon fall in love... (well crap, I never do any of those things... except maybe have hairy legs, what I don't like shaving!)
  • Here's a creepy one for you: On All Hallows Eve, brush your hair three times in front of the mirror. If you glimpse a man standing behind you, wedding bells will ring before the year is through. (Uh... I don't know about you but if I glimpse a man standing behind me I'll die of a heart attack before the year is through!)
  • When attending a wedding take a piece of the grooms cake and put it under your pillow to dream of mold i mean your future husband
  • Here's a complicated one that involves farm work! You can learn the temperament of your future husband by plucking a piece of hay from a hayloft at midnight. A crooked piece foretells a surly man; a straight piece signifies a good-natured man. (I feel like if nothing else you might meet a cute ranch hand taking a midnight stroll who thinks your a burglar... so that might be fun!
  • See a robin fly overhead on Valentines day and you will marry a sailor, see a sparrow and you will marry a poor man, see a goldfinch and you will marry a millionaire. ( I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to be near a goldfinch this Valentines day!!!)
  • Tie a blue ribbon around your ankle and you will be kissed that day. (I am literally going to be tying a blue ribbon around my ankle EVERYDAY! 
I think you get the picture... So now that I have my to do list, it's time to start checking them off! 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I should probably sort-out my priorities...

So I've been thinking... as I was unpacking today, because I FINALLY made it to Gillette, WY!!!, I realized the things that I would have died with out were my movies, my computer, and my iPod... Pretty much everything else would have only half freaked me out if I'd left them behind... That probably isn't normal, right?

My movie collection is basically my prized possession... Everything about how I am is in the pages of that book... From the comedies, to the romance, the dramas, to the cartoons... everything that I feel like I'm about is in that book! I LOVE movies... if it was allowed I'd watch a movie every day. I could sit in my room all day, and never get hungry, and just watch movie after movie after movie... And don't even get me started on my V-Mars DVD's and my Gilmore Girls DVD's... they come everywhere with me... I will probably not use them but the thought of not having them with me is like trying to tell me I'm going on vacation but I can't take air with me... say whaaaa?!

My computer is my life line... everything, i mean EVERYTHING is on this thing... If I didn't have it, for whatever reason, I would be lost... I mean, I can do a lot of that stuff from my phone... but it's so much better when I do it from my computer!

My iPod... oh man, I sleep to it, I road-trip to it, I hold it and think about all the good times we've had... Nope I cannot live with out it... You know I had a sunday school teacher once who called it "The God iPod"... he wasn't too far off...

So there you go, I am a sick woman, I need to re-route my priorities or there is going to be some serious  issues in my future... hey, maybe that's why I'm not dating!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013


So I'm going to be off the grid for a little while you guys... Just until Monday, probably... I have a super busy week ahead of me and I hoping I'll experience some new material to share with you all!

You guys are da-bomb!

Peace and Ba-lessings!

Monday, August 5, 2013

A day in the life of a transient person...

So I've been thinking the last couple of days... you see I'm in a transitional period of my life... I mean, I'm still in college and as far as my computer oracle can tell me, will be FOREVER! I'm moving to WY to do a little bit of EVERYTHING: work in a lawyer's office (woot!!!) Stage manage a show choir, and take a few classes... OH and I'll be Nannying in my spare time (however much of that there is)... Also I've finished my semester in Idaho (FINALLY) And I'm squatting at my parent's house...

Yesterday at church I was helping my Mom teach her Sunday School class of 6-year-olds... one of them is the little boy who is HILARIOUS... anyway he was asking me random questions here is a transcript which I seared into my brain:

Logan: "So you went on a mission?"

Me: "Yes"

L:"How long ago did you get home?"

M: "A little over a year ago."

L: "And how long after you get home from a mission do you have to wait until you get married" (He said this as if he was asking what the rule was, like there's a specific (short) amount of time you wait and then you just get married...)

M: "I don't know, I'm not married yet..."

L:" Oh... you have really big feet, like bigger than my dad!"

M: "You are not wrong about that!"

L: "So do you live with your mom and dad then?"

M: "No"

L: "Did you buy a house?!"

M: "No"

L: "Where do you live then?"

M: (I had no idea how to explain to a kid all that's going on so I said "In an apartment"

L: "Did you buy the apartment?"

M: "No"

L: "Then how do you live there?"

M: "I pay rent"

L: "Oh..." Then he began to squirm and I challenged him to see how long he could hold still... he lasted 30 seconds...

So anyway... I'm in a transient period and guys (even 6-year-old guys) can see it in my eyes and they get all disinterested...

Lesson #27: Make a life plan, stick to it, and achieve it ASAP!

So I need to start being a better life planner... not easy since planning has NEVER been a favorite thing of mine... I hate it actually... but I spent the last 2 hours making fancy calendars on my computer so hopefully I can figure it out!

Well I'm off to finish managing the disaster! I'd appreciate any organizational tips/ planning ideas you have to be left in the comments bellow... because I have no idea how to do this!

PS... I've given you the link to my calendar template... it's a Power Point document... you might have to mess with it a little to make sure it's back to it's original format, not sure... I had to go into Page Settings and make the page 8.5x11 so that it would print the way I wanted it to... and you'll have to change font to what you want, I found some cute fonts... have fun with it, I know I did!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Tony the Tiger is my soulmate

I decided that Tony the Tiger is my soul mate (and since he's fictional I will never be married) "Why is he your soul mate, Sam?!" is what I'm sure you're asking... well I've come up with a few reasons:
  1. He's fit
  2. He's enthusiastic
  3. He can be cuddly when you need him to be
  4. He's the epitome of cool
  5. He can protect you
  6. He makes delicious food that you can really eat for any meal
  7. He's the type of cat that will just make you feel like you're the best, I mean his favorite saying is "You're Grrrrreat!" ok, it's they're great... but come on people, semantics! 
  8. He wears an ascot almost as well as Fred from Scooby-Doo
  9. He knows people in show business 
  10. He's strong
...The list really could go on but I won't bore you any further...